Mississippi Y'all....

A blog update? Come on, Rachael, that's so 2000 and late. But as I was making dissertation edits I wandered back over in the digitial realm to my livejournal (last updated six years ago). There were a lot of juicy morsels in there. I remember the girl that I was and find her to be a narcissistic, self-obsessed 20 something of privledge who had no concept of how to provide decent therapy without training or research to back up her endless supply of energy. Looking back, I see how different how she is to the woman I am today, and how we're also still both the same childlike girl, smiling at people and hoping that they return her favor.
My life as a 30-something? Far less hectic, and yet there's more at stake. I am about to finish my PhD in Clinical Psychology and have worked for the past year at Pine Grove Behavioral Health and Addiction Service, in Hattiesburg, Misssipppi. My favorite rotation has probably been at the Professional Enhancement Program, where I currently work with professionals with personality disorders. These clients are the most challenging and interesting people that I have ever worked with. I find myself drawing inward; wanting to learn more about my own personality as I channel this into helping others. It has been a true journey, and one that I have undertaken mostly in solitude. I believe that examining and changing (to whatever degree possible) what has been problematic in my own personality will truly help as I continue my work as a psychologist.
My personal life has continued to be something I strive to improve on as well. I have stopped casually dating (I had one boyfriend earlier in the year) but have not found the "love of my life" just yet. As a result I find a strange solitude and a peace in just being by myself and with a few close friends most of the time. I don't think that my younger self would have been able to tolerate such an abstinence from the pleasures of partying life, but as I've gotten older I suppose that I miss it less and less. I have only played one show as Bird of Paradise and it seems as though that project may be shelved once I move back to the Bay Area. I intend to play with new musicians when I move back. I have a sweet feline named Neko-Chan and she has been very playful and fun to have around in my life as well.
Southern Mississippi itself is a very strange place! In some ways it is beautiful: I love the integration of different cultures, the food, and the weather which reminds me of Hawaii. Yet in others it is utterly backwards: the rampant racism, the heat, and the insects, and the dreadful smell of the sewage pumps in Hattiesburg which gave it the name "Hattiesburg Stank." I am utterly grateful to be here, however, because the peace and quiet actually allows me to finish my research.
Moving on to that elephant in the room, I have analyzed my data and am moving on to the results and conclusions sections of the dissertation. I have only two months to finish my work before I need to start my post-doctoral position. As a result, I find myself stuck between a rock and hard place, as the cliche goes. I can't believe I have to finish this draft in only two months! My friends have faith in me, but it's not making my life easier. Still, I really want to be done with this stage in my life, and I know deep down that I have to fight for it if it's going to happen.
Transitions are coming up again as I return to Hawaii for a month to defend the dissertation. I type this as I watch Neko-Chan stare out the window, wishing for the freedom of the outside which she tasted only an hour ago. I wonder if she feels as I do; that desire for movement, that wish for change, and the desire to spread my wings and move on again as I have done so many times in my life. I found a live-journal entry which read "will I ever settle down and find peace?" Perhaps I will. I hope and pray that this move to the Bay Area will be my last, and that these older legs can find a stable home to rest in. I'm proud of the decisions that I've made and proud of myself, and I know that this time of dissertation work is only temporary. Here's hoping that 31 proves to be the year that I find that peace. My birthday is next week and I have to say (without the rampant narcissism) that I've accomplished more than most women my age, and had twice as much fun doing it. Not so bad, really.