Reflections Upon Moving...

Real talk. Endings and beginnings. 2017 has shaken me out of my comfort zone and I feel like I'm growing as a person and artist. Not easy, but rewarding as hell. I am living in a new city and a new home that is beautiful and also needs care in a way that my Oakland studio did not. I start my new job on Wednesday; it involves a lot of neuropsychology,as well as music, and I expect that it will be challenging and rewarding. I am feeling inspired by Yelle and hope that I can make BirdofParadise into a 'band' this year with other electronic producers and artists. My time in Dire Wolves was very rewarding and has helped me to move forward confidently as a singer/keyboardist. I think I was waiting for a project that would have me become more confident and playful on stage, and experimenting with jams with great people did just that. I can't wait to hear the new record; which I played keys on! I continue on the path of 'adulting' as best as I can although I still face challenges and areas for growth that I have not worked through in the past. In all aspects of life I want to work on: listening more, talking less, being patient, and being more mindful. I want to continue being a better musician, and also to keep being a better and more supportive friend, family member and companion to those close to me.

END OF TOUR, NEW BEGINNINGS

Do people even 'blog' anymore?

It feels strange coming here. But posts on facebook are lost into the ether of advertisements. Might as well go back to the old suckling teat of blogger.

In my last entry (Election Day, 2016) I stated that I had 'moved home to stay.' Sometimes life throws you curveballs, and sometimes things burn to the ground. After Gh*st Sh*p, and losing five friends, Oakland doesn't feel like home anymore. I'm on the move again, and this time I hope it's for good- finally headed to Los Angeles. I have some excellent friends and family backing me up, and this year I've probably grown more and learned more about who I am then ever before. I find my gaze turned outward, and I believe I've had less navel-staring then ever, but there's always more work to be done. 

Still a psychologist, still an artist, though more of an artist than before.  (Everyone at work calls me 'Dr. P' but I'm forever Rach). 

I am dating someone, although it's far too soon to call it anything but fun and exciting, but it sure is both of those. It's nice to talk music and cartoons again with someone who gets it.  I like that we are friends, and also that we can talk about deep stuff too. 

Original unedited post below: 

All the end of tour feels. Two months, two tours. I can't really express in words how this feels to me, to finally have a tour, and twice in one year. These two months for me have been life-changing in so many ways. I got to bond with my friends on the deepest level possible and play music with some of the most talented people I know. It's been great to see BirdofParadisebecome an act that works live, thanks to the dedication of Elliot Polokoff andDenney Joints on the "Thief EP." It has also been so much fun to let my freak flag fly with improvisational singing and noise performances with Dire Wolves. Recently I somehow managed to have some semblance of work-lyfe balance, but I feel called to this path and I do not know how much longer full-time clinical positions will enable me to live in the best and most authentic way possible. As I move down to Los Angeles I am committed to walking the path as an artist/scientist with heart ('solo los caminos que tienen corazon'). I intend to continue bringing music into my work with patients and sincerely hope that my next position will help me to do this. I intend to buildBirdofParadise into a different kind of act with analogue gear, something I have been meaning to do since its inception. I hope to collaborate with some amazing producers in LA to help me along with this. Last night, I was surrounded by my closest and oldest friends Debbie BardAnnemarie SolanaceStephanie Tien LeeStephan Wyss (among others), along with my new ones in Dire Wolves, and I felt such a love for the Bay Area and everything it has given me. My friends are so patient with me despite my mistakes and I love you all so much, you make my life so rad. I never regret moving back from Hawai'i, despite some of the tragedy that I experienced in Oakland. The friends I lost are with me every day and their memories inspire me to be better. Oakland is strong, authentic and real, and I look forward to seeing it with new eyes when I come back to visit. My family continues to change and all of us have grown closer as adults, which makes visiting my childhood home all the sweeter. As I continue to move forward as an artist and clinician, I hope that Los Angeles will be my final move- the place where I finally put down the roots that I have craved for so long. In the words of PJ Harvey- "one day, I know, we'll find a place called home."

Love to you All,

Rach

Thoughts on Election Day 2016...

For all those still reading.
I am now a psychologist with a thriving clinical practice and living in the beautiful neighborhood of Temescal, Oakland. I finally returned home to stay.
Some things change, others stay the same.
I am single, having ended a year-long relationship with a person I am actually good friends with (a first for me).  I have many friends of all types- probably the most varied of my life- and all are wonderful. Neko-chan is purring by my side as always.
Although enthusiastically *not* a crystal person I have found some joy in meditation and retreats with a spiritual community here.
I am making music as Bird of Paradise and releasing my four-song EP at the end of the year. The music video and album art are wonderful. The music is the best I have made.
I am generally happy.
Looking back on my entries I see a young woman enthralled with life and hyperactivity. These traits have somewhat mellowed with age.
Still, I am Rachael. Never more or less- and always with a sideways grin for the punks and freaks of the world.

Here are some thoughts on Election Day.

"You guys know I don't post political stuff often. But I do want to say this: "Withdrawal in disgust is not the same as apathy..." I know this election year has been a nauseating three-ring circus, generating more fear and anxiety among our liberal/socialist peers than I've ever witnessed. (My patients have been so dysregulated that I've seen trauma emerge from the most resilient individuals). But I would strongly urge you guys to vote- especially on a local government level.This is the only power we have left, and if we let disgust and fear stop us then the bastards have truly won."

A quote from Richard Linklater and thoughts from the heart.

Aloha and Mahalo,

Rachael

Mississippi Y'all....

A blog update? Come on, Rachael, that's so 2000 and late. But as I was making dissertation edits I wandered back over in the digitial realm to my livejournal (last updated six years ago). There were a lot of juicy morsels in there. I remember the girl that I was and find her to be a narcissistic, self-obsessed 20 something of privledge who had no concept of how to provide decent therapy without training or research to back up her endless supply of energy. Looking back, I see how different how she is to the woman I am today, and how we're also still both the same childlike girl, smiling at people and hoping that they return her favor.
My life as a 30-something? Far less hectic, and yet there's more at stake. I am about to finish my PhD in Clinical Psychology and have worked for the past year at Pine Grove Behavioral Health and Addiction Service, in Hattiesburg, Misssipppi. My favorite rotation has probably been at the Professional Enhancement Program, where I currently work with professionals with personality disorders. These clients are the most challenging and interesting people that I have ever worked with. I find myself drawing inward; wanting to learn more about my own personality as I channel this into helping others. It has been a true journey, and one that I have undertaken mostly in solitude. I believe that examining and changing (to whatever degree possible) what has been problematic in my own personality will truly help as I continue my work as a psychologist.
My personal life has continued to be something I strive to improve on as well. I have stopped casually dating (I had one boyfriend earlier in the year) but have not found the "love of my life" just yet. As a result I find a strange solitude and a peace in just being by myself and with a few close friends most of the time. I don't think that my younger self would have been able to tolerate such an abstinence from the pleasures of partying life, but as I've gotten older I suppose that I miss it less and less. I have only played one show as Bird of Paradise and it seems as though that project may be shelved once I move back to the Bay Area. I intend to play with new musicians when I move back. I have a sweet feline named Neko-Chan and she has been very playful and fun to have around in my life as well.
Southern Mississippi itself is a very strange place! In some ways it is beautiful: I love the integration of different cultures, the food, and the weather which reminds me of Hawaii. Yet in others it is utterly backwards: the rampant racism, the heat, and the insects, and the dreadful smell of the sewage pumps in Hattiesburg which gave it the name "Hattiesburg Stank." I am utterly grateful to be here, however, because the peace and quiet actually allows me to finish my research.
Moving on to that elephant in the room, I have analyzed my data and am moving on to the results and conclusions sections of the dissertation. I have only two months to finish my work before I need to start my post-doctoral position. As a result, I find myself stuck between a rock and hard place, as the cliche goes. I can't believe I have to finish this draft in only two months! My friends have faith in me, but it's not making my life easier. Still, I really want to be done with this stage in my life, and I know deep down that I have to fight for it if it's going to happen.
Transitions are coming up again as I return to Hawaii for a month to defend the dissertation. I type this as I watch Neko-Chan stare out the window, wishing for the freedom of the outside which she tasted only an hour ago. I wonder if she feels as I do; that desire for movement, that wish for change, and the desire to spread my wings and move on again as I have done so many times in my life. I found a live-journal entry which read "will I ever settle down and find peace?" Perhaps I will. I hope and pray that this move to the Bay Area will be my last, and that these older legs can find a stable home to rest in. I'm proud of the decisions that I've made and proud of myself, and I know that this time of dissertation work is only temporary. Here's hoping that 31 proves to be the year that I find that peace. My birthday is next week and I have to say (without the rampant narcissism) that I've accomplished more than most women my age, and had twice as much fun doing it. Not so bad, really.

SCIENCE UPDATE!!

I suppose it's time for a dissertation update. Proposal not quite done. IRB submitted. I feel like I have jumped a major hurdle. Nearly time to have the proposal approved and the comittee picked. The areas of research highlighted in the study are mood disorders and working memory.

Science....it works, bitches. (One of my favorite T-Shirts of last year).

I have a new clinical job working with a forensic population and I love it. I have already documented treatment successes in all five of my long term clients.

Other than that, it's coming up to my year long anniversary of having my own appartment. It has been so rewarding to live on my own and I have learned to enjoy my own company. Beta Band (the best fish ever) and I have had quite a time in Palolo Valley....besides maybe the constant fireworks :D

Lastly, my radio show "Stories from the City, Stories From the Sea" is coming to an end. In order to increase my chances of matching for internship I decided to clear the decks on my extracurriculars. I know I can take it up again if I want to, but right now it's time to graduate and move on with my life.

Aloha For Now,

Rach

Big Islanding with Porn!

Aloha All,

I just had the most awesome weekend ever with my best friend, Poornima Muralidhur, my sister and travel buddy extrordinaire. Our destination of choice for 2011 was none other than the Big Island of Hawaii! We saw Akaka falls in Hilo, and then went to the very top of Mauna Kea for Thanksgiving! 33,500 feet up, and all of the clouds looked like a lake, with the top of the nearby volcano seeming like an island! It was the most beautiful sight I have ever seen, and my eyes teared up at its beauty. After we stayed at the beautiful Royal Kona Resort, where we got to swim in their lagoon and do morning yoga as we watched the sunrise. For the next day it was off to Kona where we found Hapuna beach (after being lost twice) and visited the beautiful black sands beach of Punalu'u! (Even better than the Oahu Punalu'u). We also visited Volcanoes national park, where I saw a real live volcano! Then we went to Kalapana, where the lava flow met a town, and saw the beautiful floes as they cut through the rocks. That night was Modern Lovers back in Oahu, where we listened to Sleigh Bells and DyE with Davey and Andrew. The next day we went with Ross and Portland Christian down to the Hawaii Kai Blowhole! I actually jumped in the tidepools, which felt exhilirating after being housebound for three months after my foot broke. On the last day Porn and I actually went surfing. Yes, Rachael successfully mounted a surfboard! It was an amazing feeling to actually catch a wave, and the buzz is quite addicting. (I'm thinking of maybe joining a surf club or something before internship). We went standup paddleboarding as well, and Porn showed me the ropes (although I tired quickly). We watched "Happy-Go-Lucky" and spoke along to the "En-ra-ha, Poppy," parts the whole time. As I watched her go I felt such a joy that I had been able to experience another side of Hawaii after being housebound/showbound/etc for the past couple of months. It felt like a beautiful new start...and I hope the feeling lasts.

Love.

Understanding....

It's been hard for me to come to this point.

I feel finally ready to move on with my life and finish my PhD.

What's been holding me back has not been events, people, or external circumstances at all.

I want to move forward.

I want to do the best I can to get out of school next year, get out of Hawaii, and start my new life.

I'm ready now.

Broke mah foot....

It hurts still! Have to wear a cast for 8 weeks. At least I can kick people with my awesome ski boot :D

Teaching Feedback....

Once again, I find myself floored by undergraduates and how much they like my class (blushes). Some comments from my survey: "This professor cannot improve, she is so awesome," "Her knowledge of the material far exceeded that of most professors I've had." Several loved my discussion of treatments with patients. I feel so blessed that I can impart my treatment knowledge to people, as well as helping them gain understanding of psychopathology. Go me!

Cheeseball Moment....

Gonna be cheesy and say this: I'm so lucky to live in Hawaii and I have the most talented, intelligent and sweet friends. You guys make grad school *almost* bearable.

Thank you.

Last Behaviorists show....

So my good friend Susan Lin and I had been playing together in a little project known as The Behaviorists. (http://thebehaviorists.bandcamp.com) It was lovely to have another psychologist in a band with me, and we played a lot of shows together. Last night was our last show as a band. Looking back on the project I feel a great fondness for what we had been through together. We'd played with Julia, Margot, Richard (another psychologist), Hilary, and finally Ahnate. We'd see so many people come and go, including Jake Aesthete who recorded our EP, which is still hanging around at the KTUH station!

Still, even the best projects have to end sometime, and as the new school year begins I know I have to focus on my PhD. Susan does too, as she gears up for internship. Still, it's amazing that I had the opportunity to play shows in Hawaii with my own material. I'm proud of myself for being so brave and showcasing my talent without hiding behind any real 'effects' to speak of.

Still, in the next project to come (The Radge) my goal is to learn Ableton!

Wish me luck!

A Rare Musical Post....

On this blog, anyway.

http://vimeo.com/24715862

"I knew this kid who wanted to find himself in your eyes..."

The End and The Beginning....

Summer's end nearing....it feels like change is on the horizon. I truly hope the next school year brings challenges, joy, and a dissertation proposal success. I am coming to the end of my classes and the beginning of research. I am frightened, and worry that I will not be able to make it as a scientist-practitioner. However, I know that if I truly push myself to do good work, and do not allow myself to get overcomitted and careless, then I will certainly succeed.

Change is hard and I have dealt with it in maladaptive ways for most of my life. These strategies worked at the time but they no longer suffice. I need to be OK with the anxiety of science and allow myself to master it without aid or distraction.

Wish me luck.

End of the Summer Accomplishments!

Last day of lectures. Got some applause from a wonderful class. One comps requirement DOWN!

Photos of this Year....

http://www.flickr.com/frontierpsychrach

Teaching....

I feel incredibly grateful to be teaching Abnormal Psychology again this summer. I really connect to students and I get such positive feedback. I'm feeling especially lucky to have a fun group this year, consisting of actors, musicians, and physical therapy students. One of them even said I was an inspiration to them for studying Serious Mental Illness.

SMI til I die, yo.

...Fear Gone!

Played our last show last night. So many people came out to support our music and it was beautiful. Felt like an appropriate end. I know I will succeed in both making a quality record and getting my PhD...feels like a productive time in my life is about to begin. I feel ready for the future to arrive.

Growing Older....

Feeling quite reflective today: almost 28. Feeling good about what the future holds. Proud of my past accomplishments. Time moves forward and us with it, until the end. I want to move forward this year, and get out of school forever. Bring it.

SF + POPFEST 2011!

Aloha All,

My updates on this blog are completely sporadic and it appears to be becoming something of a Travelogue....with this in mind, I'd like to update y'all on my trip to San Francisco!
Excess began early on this trip with a child-size Ralph Lauren dress that I actually bought in the airport. (It's gorgeous, so please don't hate.)I flew in, touched down, threw my stuff in a small motel and high-tailed it over to the Rickshaw Stop! It was time for SF Popfest, a very unique brand of the UK festival run by Deborah Bard and other lovely people. First on the night was Blackbird Blackbird. I was immediatley blown away by how amazing he was. With only a laptop and a live drummer, he managed to conjure sounds that were at once ethereal and immediate. I loved his set and was dancing like a fiend, which my friend Jake later dubbed as "hilarious." The drinks at the Rickshaw Stop are strong indeed, and it wasn't long til I was feeling like I was on vacation "proper."
Next day we headed to MOMA, where the permanent collection was as lovely as ever. There were also a fiew short video pieces that I thought were amazing. I met up with my folks for Teatro Zinzanni, a cute little circus + dinner act. This cast was made special with the addition of Rebekkah Del Rio, the singer from Lynch film "Mullholland Drive!" She actually sang "Llorando" (a cover of the Roy Orbison song 'Crying') right to our table! Amazing. After that we went to go see Dominant Legs, which features members of the band Girls. They were great and we actually got to meet them after the show, which was lovely. I missed the Motifs, which were apparently the highlight act of the night, but I fully intend to catch them again in the future.
I met up with my friend Glenn's old friends, Teva and Anne Marie, who put me up for the night. In the morning we went to the Alemany Farmer's Market! It was amazing, complete with a woman with an actual 'singing saw', as well as a steel drummer. It was also huge and the fruit selection was amazing. (This reminded me of how much I really need to start going to the KCC Market more often, as I too usually neglect fresh fruit in favor of coffee + muffins.) Super fun! That night I saw Melted Toys, the Mantles and the Undertones at the Rickshaw Stop. Melted Toys were amazing, and their beautiful melodic guitar work left me breathless. The lead singer can really sing as well, and the effects on the vocals only added to the "we are singing in a cave" acoustics! The Mantles were OK, a little blah for what I expected, but the Undertones were amazing. They still sounded as good as ever! I felt very grateful to have caught that show, for who knows when those guys will tour again?
An easy Saturday followed. I went to the De Young and saw more of their permanent collection. I watched "The Room," at the Red Vic, which included hilarious audience particpation, such as throwing spoons when there was a picture of a spoon. I hung out with long-time friend Candace in Oakland and had a great time watching Candy Darling and walking on Lake Merrit. On Sunday it was time to see the Beets, Catwalk, Seapony, and Eternal Summers! I met up with my friend Glenn and had a very spicy Pho dinner before heading to the Hemlock. Sadly we had missed Seapony. Catwalk were quite good. The Beets were somewhat irritating, in terms of a "Moldy Peaches-esque" vibe that somehow only the Moldy Peaches ever really pulled off well. I did like their lights, however, and the banner which read "The Beets: I'd rather watch paint dry." I expect to see more from them in the future. Eternal Summers were amazing. Their lead guitarist can play faster than any woman or man I've ever seen. She shredded and all just gaped in amazement.
For Memorial Day it was back to the East Bay. My girlfriend from high school, Amy and I, hung out in Walnut Creek and watched Labyrinth. It made me realize just how much I miss her, and makes me so glad that we've kept in touch over the years. Mom, Elliot and I had a wonderful dinner and caught up about everything. I can't wait til the days that I'm a wee bit closer to my family again, as I love them dearly.
Tuesday night hanging out with my high school friend Stephanie at the Bean Bag Cafe on Divis, which I still dearly love. Afterwards was Neon Indian and Sleigh Bells! I was totally unprepared for Neon Indian's amazing live set-up, which even included a theramin. It was noise-pop at its best, with most of the music being created completely live as well as the drummer playing to a track. It was gorgeousness and gorgeousity.... excellent show. Sleigh Bells were an interesting live watch, and certainly the loudest act I've ever seen. Up in the front row, Jake and I twisted our earpieces in to attempt to "listen," and this is not something I would do for any band. However, when I saw over 15 miked-up amps on stage, I figured this was a good idea. Alexis Kraus is a gorgeous woman, and her snake-hipped dancing made me as amped-up as the next bro, however the live show overall left something to be desired. For other acts that play similarly, such as Crystal Castles or Glass Candy, I felt that the vocals were better. Alexis seemed to be relying on backing tracks so much that I didn't really feel she was singing, and the guitarist seemed to actually be tuned down a bit. Jake described it as "somewhat metal, somewhat hip-hop, somewhat strip club" and this seemed to described the overall crowd's reaction as well. Still, it has to be said that it wasn't dull! I met up with Nate (GRLFRNDS) and his girlfriend for a pint on Divisadero, which was nice having a touch of Hawaii all the way out in San Francisco.
Last days in the city were with one of my best friends, Brian Darr, known for his amazing film blog hellonfriscobay.blogspot.com. All of you should check it out if interested in movies! Jake, Brian and I walked across the Golden Gate Bridge on our last day there. The weather was beautiful and not as biting cold as it had been. I found myself looking out to Tiburon, and the Marin Headlands, and looking foward to the days that I can cycle out there once again. (I used to cycle to Mount Tamalpais twice a month.) We went to Noc Noc, where I got a pint of actual Snakebite (a drink I used to make back in Edinburgh, what seems like ages ago) and talked about films pretty much for 24 hours straight. We saw "Boom" at the Castro, a Tennessee Williams adaptation that took all the fun out of the dialouge and delivered it through some sort of Qualude-Haze. Everyone involved seemed to be somewhat ashamed to be there, especially the stars Richard Burton and Liz Taylor, who I didn't know had been married twice! Well, the chemistry certainly wasn't apparent from the film :D
All in the all, the trip was so much fun, and the best kind of a vacation for me. I love culture, nature, and friends and this trip had all three. I can't wait til I'm headed back to the West Coast again. Til then, I suppose it's possible I'll update again, but it's dissertation time if I'm ever going to get off the rock!

Aloha For Now,

Rach

Short Post.

Sometimes I forget what a rich life I've had at 27...and how lucky I am to have so many wonderful friends to share it with. Just sayin'.