Monday, November 6, 2017
Reflections Upon Moving...
Real talk. Endings and beginnings. 2017 has shaken me out of my comfort zone and I feel like I'm growing as a person and artist. Not easy, but rewarding as hell. I am living in a new city and a new home that is beautiful and also needs care in a way that my Oakland studio did not. I start my new job on Wednesday; it involves a lot of neuropsychology,as well as music, and I expect that it will be challenging and rewarding. I am feeling inspired by Yelle and hope that I can make BirdofParadise into a 'band' this year with other electronic producers and artists. My time in Dire Wolves was very rewarding and has helped me to move forward confidently as a singer/keyboardist. I think I was waiting for a project that would have me become more confident and playful on stage, and experimenting with jams with great people did just that. I can't wait to hear the new record; which I played keys on! I continue on the path of 'adulting' as best as I can although I still face challenges and areas for growth that I have not worked through in the past. In all aspects of life I want to work on: listening more, talking less, being patient, and being more mindful. I want to continue being a better musician, and also to keep being a better and more supportive friend, family member and companion to those close to me.
Thursday, October 19, 2017
END OF TOUR, NEW BEGINNINGS
Do people even 'blog' anymore?
It feels strange coming here. But posts on facebook are lost into the ether of advertisements. Might as well go back to the old suckling teat of blogger.
In my last entry (Election Day, 2016) I stated that I had 'moved home to stay.' Sometimes life throws you curveballs, and sometimes things burn to the ground. After Gh*st Sh*p, and losing five friends, Oakland doesn't feel like home anymore. I'm on the move again, and this time I hope it's for good- finally headed to Los Angeles. I have some excellent friends and family backing me up, and this year I've probably grown more and learned more about who I am then ever before. I find my gaze turned outward, and I believe I've had less navel-staring then ever, but there's always more work to be done.
Still a psychologist, still an artist, though more of an artist than before. (Everyone at work calls me 'Dr. P' but I'm forever Rach).
I am dating someone, although it's far too soon to call it anything but fun and exciting, but it sure is both of those. It's nice to talk music and cartoons again with someone who gets it. I like that we are friends, and also that we can talk about deep stuff too.
Original unedited post below:
All the end of tour feels. Two months, two tours. I can't really express in words how this feels to me, to finally have a tour, and twice in one year. These two months for me have been life-changing in so many ways. I got to bond with my friends on the deepest level possible and play music with some of the most talented people I know. It's been great to see BirdofParadisebecome an act that works live, thanks to the dedication of Elliot Polokoff andDenney Joints on the "Thief EP." It has also been so much fun to let my freak flag fly with improvisational singing and noise performances with Dire Wolves. Recently I somehow managed to have some semblance of work-lyfe balance, but I feel called to this path and I do not know how much longer full-time clinical positions will enable me to live in the best and most authentic way possible. As I move down to Los Angeles I am committed to walking the path as an artist/scientist with heart ('solo los caminos que tienen corazon'). I intend to continue bringing music into my work with patients and sincerely hope that my next position will help me to do this. I intend to buildBirdofParadise into a different kind of act with analogue gear, something I have been meaning to do since its inception. I hope to collaborate with some amazing producers in LA to help me along with this. Last night, I was surrounded by my closest and oldest friends Debbie BardAnnemarie SolanaceStephanie Tien LeeStephan Wyss (among others), along with my new ones in Dire Wolves, and I felt such a love for the Bay Area and everything it has given me. My friends are so patient with me despite my mistakes and I love you all so much, you make my life so rad. I never regret moving back from Hawai'i, despite some of the tragedy that I experienced in Oakland. The friends I lost are with me every day and their memories inspire me to be better. Oakland is strong, authentic and real, and I look forward to seeing it with new eyes when I come back to visit. My family continues to change and all of us have grown closer as adults, which makes visiting my childhood home all the sweeter. As I continue to move forward as an artist and clinician, I hope that Los Angeles will be my final move- the place where I finally put down the roots that I have craved for so long. In the words of PJ Harvey- "one day, I know, we'll find a place called home."
Love to you All,
Rach
It feels strange coming here. But posts on facebook are lost into the ether of advertisements. Might as well go back to the old suckling teat of blogger.
In my last entry (Election Day, 2016) I stated that I had 'moved home to stay.' Sometimes life throws you curveballs, and sometimes things burn to the ground. After Gh*st Sh*p, and losing five friends, Oakland doesn't feel like home anymore. I'm on the move again, and this time I hope it's for good- finally headed to Los Angeles. I have some excellent friends and family backing me up, and this year I've probably grown more and learned more about who I am then ever before. I find my gaze turned outward, and I believe I've had less navel-staring then ever, but there's always more work to be done.
Still a psychologist, still an artist, though more of an artist than before. (Everyone at work calls me 'Dr. P' but I'm forever Rach).
I am dating someone, although it's far too soon to call it anything but fun and exciting, but it sure is both of those. It's nice to talk music and cartoons again with someone who gets it. I like that we are friends, and also that we can talk about deep stuff too.
Original unedited post below:
All the end of tour feels. Two months, two tours. I can't really express in words how this feels to me, to finally have a tour, and twice in one year. These two months for me have been life-changing in so many ways. I got to bond with my friends on the deepest level possible and play music with some of the most talented people I know. It's been great to see BirdofParadisebecome an act that works live, thanks to the dedication of Elliot Polokoff andDenney Joints on the "Thief EP." It has also been so much fun to let my freak flag fly with improvisational singing and noise performances with Dire Wolves. Recently I somehow managed to have some semblance of work-lyfe balance, but I feel called to this path and I do not know how much longer full-time clinical positions will enable me to live in the best and most authentic way possible. As I move down to Los Angeles I am committed to walking the path as an artist/scientist with heart ('solo los caminos que tienen corazon'). I intend to continue bringing music into my work with patients and sincerely hope that my next position will help me to do this. I intend to buildBirdofParadise into a different kind of act with analogue gear, something I have been meaning to do since its inception. I hope to collaborate with some amazing producers in LA to help me along with this. Last night, I was surrounded by my closest and oldest friends Debbie BardAnnemarie SolanaceStephanie Tien LeeStephan Wyss (among others), along with my new ones in Dire Wolves, and I felt such a love for the Bay Area and everything it has given me. My friends are so patient with me despite my mistakes and I love you all so much, you make my life so rad. I never regret moving back from Hawai'i, despite some of the tragedy that I experienced in Oakland. The friends I lost are with me every day and their memories inspire me to be better. Oakland is strong, authentic and real, and I look forward to seeing it with new eyes when I come back to visit. My family continues to change and all of us have grown closer as adults, which makes visiting my childhood home all the sweeter. As I continue to move forward as an artist and clinician, I hope that Los Angeles will be my final move- the place where I finally put down the roots that I have craved for so long. In the words of PJ Harvey- "one day, I know, we'll find a place called home."
Love to you All,
Rach
Tuesday, November 8, 2016
Thoughts on Election Day 2016...
For all those still reading.
I am now a psychologist with a thriving clinical practice and living in the beautiful neighborhood of Temescal, Oakland. I finally returned home to stay.
Some things change, others stay the same.
I am single, having ended a year-long relationship with a person I am actually good friends with (a first for me). I have many friends of all types- probably the most varied of my life- and all are wonderful. Neko-chan is purring by my side as always.
Although enthusiastically *not* a crystal person I have found some joy in meditation and retreats with a spiritual community here.
I am making music as Bird of Paradise and releasing my four-song EP at the end of the year. The music video and album art are wonderful. The music is the best I have made.
I am generally happy.
Looking back on my entries I see a young woman enthralled with life and hyperactivity. These traits have somewhat mellowed with age.
Still, I am Rachael. Never more or less- and always with a sideways grin for the punks and freaks of the world.
Here are some thoughts on Election Day.
"You guys know I don't post political stuff often. But I do want to say this: "Withdrawal in disgust is not the same as apathy..." I know this election year has been a nauseating three-ring circus, generating more fear and anxiety among our liberal/socialist peers than I've ever witnessed. (My patients have been so dysregulated that I've seen trauma emerge from the most resilient individuals). But I would strongly urge you guys to vote- especially on a local government level.This is the only power we have left, and if we let disgust and fear stop us then the bastards have truly won."
A quote from Richard Linklater and thoughts from the heart.
Aloha and Mahalo,
Rachael
I am now a psychologist with a thriving clinical practice and living in the beautiful neighborhood of Temescal, Oakland. I finally returned home to stay.
Some things change, others stay the same.
I am single, having ended a year-long relationship with a person I am actually good friends with (a first for me). I have many friends of all types- probably the most varied of my life- and all are wonderful. Neko-chan is purring by my side as always.
Although enthusiastically *not* a crystal person I have found some joy in meditation and retreats with a spiritual community here.
I am making music as Bird of Paradise and releasing my four-song EP at the end of the year. The music video and album art are wonderful. The music is the best I have made.
I am generally happy.
Looking back on my entries I see a young woman enthralled with life and hyperactivity. These traits have somewhat mellowed with age.
Still, I am Rachael. Never more or less- and always with a sideways grin for the punks and freaks of the world.
Here are some thoughts on Election Day.
"You guys know I don't post political stuff often. But I do want to say this: "Withdrawal in disgust is not the same as apathy..." I know this election year has been a nauseating three-ring circus, generating more fear and anxiety among our liberal/socialist peers than I've ever witnessed. (My patients have been so dysregulated that I've seen trauma emerge from the most resilient individuals). But I would strongly urge you guys to vote- especially on a local government level.This is the only power we have left, and if we let disgust and fear stop us then the bastards have truly won."
A quote from Richard Linklater and thoughts from the heart.
Aloha and Mahalo,
Rachael
Saturday, May 31, 2014
Mississippi Y'all....
A blog update? Come on, Rachael, that's so 2000 and late. But as I was making dissertation edits I wandered back over in the digitial realm to my livejournal (last updated six years ago). There were a lot of juicy morsels in there. I remember the girl that I was and find her to be a narcissistic, self-obsessed 20 something of privledge who had no concept of how to provide decent therapy without training or research to back up her endless supply of energy. Looking back, I see how different how she is to the woman I am today, and how we're also still both the same childlike girl, smiling at people and hoping that they return her favor.
My life as a 30-something? Far less hectic, and yet there's more at stake. I am about to finish my PhD in Clinical Psychology and have worked for the past year at Pine Grove Behavioral Health and Addiction Service, in Hattiesburg, Misssipppi. My favorite rotation has probably been at the Professional Enhancement Program, where I currently work with professionals with personality disorders. These clients are the most challenging and interesting people that I have ever worked with. I find myself drawing inward; wanting to learn more about my own personality as I channel this into helping others. It has been a true journey, and one that I have undertaken mostly in solitude. I believe that examining and changing (to whatever degree possible) what has been problematic in my own personality will truly help as I continue my work as a psychologist.
My personal life has continued to be something I strive to improve on as well. I have stopped casually dating (I had one boyfriend earlier in the year) but have not found the "love of my life" just yet. As a result I find a strange solitude and a peace in just being by myself and with a few close friends most of the time. I don't think that my younger self would have been able to tolerate such an abstinence from the pleasures of partying life, but as I've gotten older I suppose that I miss it less and less. I have only played one show as Bird of Paradise and it seems as though that project may be shelved once I move back to the Bay Area. I intend to play with new musicians when I move back. I have a sweet feline named Neko-Chan and she has been very playful and fun to have around in my life as well.
Southern Mississippi itself is a very strange place! In some ways it is beautiful: I love the integration of different cultures, the food, and the weather which reminds me of Hawaii. Yet in others it is utterly backwards: the rampant racism, the heat, and the insects, and the dreadful smell of the sewage pumps in Hattiesburg which gave it the name "Hattiesburg Stank." I am utterly grateful to be here, however, because the peace and quiet actually allows me to finish my research.
Moving on to that elephant in the room, I have analyzed my data and am moving on to the results and conclusions sections of the dissertation. I have only two months to finish my work before I need to start my post-doctoral position. As a result, I find myself stuck between a rock and hard place, as the cliche goes. I can't believe I have to finish this draft in only two months! My friends have faith in me, but it's not making my life easier. Still, I really want to be done with this stage in my life, and I know deep down that I have to fight for it if it's going to happen.
Transitions are coming up again as I return to Hawaii for a month to defend the dissertation. I type this as I watch Neko-Chan stare out the window, wishing for the freedom of the outside which she tasted only an hour ago. I wonder if she feels as I do; that desire for movement, that wish for change, and the desire to spread my wings and move on again as I have done so many times in my life. I found a live-journal entry which read "will I ever settle down and find peace?" Perhaps I will. I hope and pray that this move to the Bay Area will be my last, and that these older legs can find a stable home to rest in. I'm proud of the decisions that I've made and proud of myself, and I know that this time of dissertation work is only temporary. Here's hoping that 31 proves to be the year that I find that peace. My birthday is next week and I have to say (without the rampant narcissism) that I've accomplished more than most women my age, and had twice as much fun doing it. Not so bad, really.
My life as a 30-something? Far less hectic, and yet there's more at stake. I am about to finish my PhD in Clinical Psychology and have worked for the past year at Pine Grove Behavioral Health and Addiction Service, in Hattiesburg, Misssipppi. My favorite rotation has probably been at the Professional Enhancement Program, where I currently work with professionals with personality disorders. These clients are the most challenging and interesting people that I have ever worked with. I find myself drawing inward; wanting to learn more about my own personality as I channel this into helping others. It has been a true journey, and one that I have undertaken mostly in solitude. I believe that examining and changing (to whatever degree possible) what has been problematic in my own personality will truly help as I continue my work as a psychologist.
My personal life has continued to be something I strive to improve on as well. I have stopped casually dating (I had one boyfriend earlier in the year) but have not found the "love of my life" just yet. As a result I find a strange solitude and a peace in just being by myself and with a few close friends most of the time. I don't think that my younger self would have been able to tolerate such an abstinence from the pleasures of partying life, but as I've gotten older I suppose that I miss it less and less. I have only played one show as Bird of Paradise and it seems as though that project may be shelved once I move back to the Bay Area. I intend to play with new musicians when I move back. I have a sweet feline named Neko-Chan and she has been very playful and fun to have around in my life as well.
Southern Mississippi itself is a very strange place! In some ways it is beautiful: I love the integration of different cultures, the food, and the weather which reminds me of Hawaii. Yet in others it is utterly backwards: the rampant racism, the heat, and the insects, and the dreadful smell of the sewage pumps in Hattiesburg which gave it the name "Hattiesburg Stank." I am utterly grateful to be here, however, because the peace and quiet actually allows me to finish my research.
Moving on to that elephant in the room, I have analyzed my data and am moving on to the results and conclusions sections of the dissertation. I have only two months to finish my work before I need to start my post-doctoral position. As a result, I find myself stuck between a rock and hard place, as the cliche goes. I can't believe I have to finish this draft in only two months! My friends have faith in me, but it's not making my life easier. Still, I really want to be done with this stage in my life, and I know deep down that I have to fight for it if it's going to happen.
Transitions are coming up again as I return to Hawaii for a month to defend the dissertation. I type this as I watch Neko-Chan stare out the window, wishing for the freedom of the outside which she tasted only an hour ago. I wonder if she feels as I do; that desire for movement, that wish for change, and the desire to spread my wings and move on again as I have done so many times in my life. I found a live-journal entry which read "will I ever settle down and find peace?" Perhaps I will. I hope and pray that this move to the Bay Area will be my last, and that these older legs can find a stable home to rest in. I'm proud of the decisions that I've made and proud of myself, and I know that this time of dissertation work is only temporary. Here's hoping that 31 proves to be the year that I find that peace. My birthday is next week and I have to say (without the rampant narcissism) that I've accomplished more than most women my age, and had twice as much fun doing it. Not so bad, really.
Tuesday, February 28, 2012
SCIENCE UPDATE!!
I suppose it's time for a dissertation update. Proposal not quite done. IRB submitted. I feel like I have jumped a major hurdle. Nearly time to have the proposal approved and the comittee picked. The areas of research highlighted in the study are mood disorders and working memory.
Science....it works, bitches. (One of my favorite T-Shirts of last year).
I have a new clinical job working with a forensic population and I love it. I have already documented treatment successes in all five of my long term clients.
Other than that, it's coming up to my year long anniversary of having my own appartment. It has been so rewarding to live on my own and I have learned to enjoy my own company. Beta Band (the best fish ever) and I have had quite a time in Palolo Valley....besides maybe the constant fireworks :D
Lastly, my radio show "Stories from the City, Stories From the Sea" is coming to an end. In order to increase my chances of matching for internship I decided to clear the decks on my extracurriculars. I know I can take it up again if I want to, but right now it's time to graduate and move on with my life.
Aloha For Now,
Rach
Monday, November 28, 2011
Big Islanding with Porn!
Aloha All,
I just had the most awesome weekend ever with my best friend, Poornima Muralidhur, my sister and travel buddy extrordinaire. Our destination of choice for 2011 was none other than the Big Island of Hawaii! We saw Akaka falls in Hilo, and then went to the very top of Mauna Kea for Thanksgiving! 33,500 feet up, and all of the clouds looked like a lake, with the top of the nearby volcano seeming like an island! It was the most beautiful sight I have ever seen, and my eyes teared up at its beauty. After we stayed at the beautiful Royal Kona Resort, where we got to swim in their lagoon and do morning yoga as we watched the sunrise. For the next day it was off to Kona where we found Hapuna beach (after being lost twice) and visited the beautiful black sands beach of Punalu'u! (Even better than the Oahu Punalu'u). We also visited Volcanoes national park, where I saw a real live volcano! Then we went to Kalapana, where the lava flow met a town, and saw the beautiful floes as they cut through the rocks. That night was Modern Lovers back in Oahu, where we listened to Sleigh Bells and DyE with Davey and Andrew. The next day we went with Ross and Portland Christian down to the Hawaii Kai Blowhole! I actually jumped in the tidepools, which felt exhilirating after being housebound for three months after my foot broke. On the last day Porn and I actually went surfing. Yes, Rachael successfully mounted a surfboard! It was an amazing feeling to actually catch a wave, and the buzz is quite addicting. (I'm thinking of maybe joining a surf club or something before internship). We went standup paddleboarding as well, and Porn showed me the ropes (although I tired quickly). We watched "Happy-Go-Lucky" and spoke along to the "En-ra-ha, Poppy," parts the whole time. As I watched her go I felt such a joy that I had been able to experience another side of Hawaii after being housebound/showbound/etc for the past couple of months. It felt like a beautiful new start...and I hope the feeling lasts.
Love.
Monday, October 3, 2011
Understanding....
It's been hard for me to come to this point.
I feel finally ready to move on with my life and finish my PhD.
What's been holding me back has not been events, people, or external circumstances at all.
I want to move forward.
I want to do the best I can to get out of school next year, get out of Hawaii, and start my new life.
I'm ready now.
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