Frontier Psychologist!

Big Islanding with Porn!

2011-11-28T00:21:00.000-08:00

Aloha All,

I just had the most awesome weekend ever with my best friend, Poornima Muralidhur, my sister and travel buddy extrordinaire. Our destination of choice for 2011 was none other than the Big Island of Hawaii! We saw Akaka falls in Hilo, and then went to the very top of Mauna Kea for Thanksgiving! 33,500 feet up, and all of the clouds looked like a lake, with the top of the nearby volcano seeming like an island! It was the most beautiful sight I have ever seen, and my eyes teared up at its beauty. After we stayed at the beautiful Royal Kona Resort, where we got to swim in their lagoon and do morning yoga as we watched the sunrise. For the next day it was off to Kona where we found Hapuna beach (after being lost twice) and visited the beautiful black sands beach of Punalu'u! (Even better than the Oahu Punalu'u). We also visited Volcanoes national park, where I saw a real live volcano! Then we went to Kalapana, where the lava flow met a town, and saw the beautiful floes as they cut through the rocks. That night was Modern Lovers back in Oahu, where we listened to Sleigh Bells and DyE with Davey and Andrew. The next day we went with Ross and Portland Christian down to the Hawaii Kai Blowhole! I actually jumped in the tidepools, which felt exhilirating after being housebound for three months after my foot broke. On the last day Porn and I actually went surfing. Yes, Rachael successfully mounted a surfboard! It was an amazing feeling to actually catch a wave, and the buzz is quite addicting. (I'm thinking of maybe joining a surf club or something before internship). We went standup paddleboarding as well, and Porn showed me the ropes (although I tired quickly). We watched "Happy-Go-Lucky" and spoke along to the "En-ra-ha, Poppy," parts the whole time. As I watched her go I felt such a joy that I had been able to experience another side of Hawaii after being housebound/showbound/etc for the past couple of months. It felt like a beautiful new start...and I hope the feeling lasts.

Love.

Understanding....

2011-10-03T21:25:00.000-07:00

It's been hard for me to come to this point.

I feel finally ready to move on with my life and finish my PhD.

What's been holding me back has not been events, people, or external circumstances at all.

I want to move forward.

I want to do the best I can to get out of school next year, get out of Hawaii, and start my new life.

I'm ready now.

Broke mah foot....

2011-09-11T22:37:00.000-07:00

It hurts still! Have to wear a cast for 8 weeks. At least I can kick people with my awesome ski boot :D

Teaching Feedback....

2011-08-25T14:12:00.000-07:00

Once again, I find myself floored by undergraduates and how much they like my class (blushes). Some comments from my survey: "This professor cannot improve, she is so awesome," "Her knowledge of the material far exceeded that of most professors I've had." Several loved my discussion of treatments with patients. I feel so blessed that I can impart my treatment knowledge to people, as well as helping them gain understanding of psychopathology. Go me!

Cheeseball Moment....

2011-08-23T12:50:00.001-07:00

Gonna be cheesy and say this: I'm so lucky to live in Hawaii and I have the most talented, intelligent and sweet friends. You guys make grad school *almost* bearable.

Thank you.

Last Behaviorists show....

2011-08-19T12:52:00.000-07:00

So my good friend Susan Lin and I had been playing together in a little project known as The Behaviorists. (http://thebehaviorists.bandcamp.com) It was lovely to have another psychologist in a band with me, and we played a lot of shows together. Last night was our last show as a band. Looking back on the project I feel a great fondness for what we had been through together. We'd played with Julia, Margot, Richard (another psychologist), Hilary, and finally Ahnate. We'd see so many people come and go, including Jake Aesthete who recorded our EP, which is still hanging around at the KTUH station!

Still, even the best projects have to end sometime, and as the new school year begins I know I have to focus on my PhD. Susan does too, as she gears up for internship. Still, it's amazing that I had the opportunity to play shows in Hawaii with my own material. I'm proud of myself for being so brave and showcasing my talent without hiding behind any real 'effects' to speak of.

Still, in the next project to come (The Radge) my goal is to learn Ableton!

Wish me luck!

A Rare Musical Post....

2011-08-15T20:19:00.000-07:00

On this blog, anyway.

http://vimeo.com/24715862

"I knew this kid who wanted to find himself in your eyes..."

The End and The Beginning....

2011-08-12T12:27:00.000-07:00

Summer's end nearing....it feels like change is on the horizon. I truly hope the next school year brings challenges, joy, and a dissertation proposal success. I am coming to the end of my classes and the beginning of research. I am frightened, and worry that I will not be able to make it as a scientist-practitioner. However, I know that if I truly push myself to do good work, and do not allow myself to get overcomitted and careless, then I will certainly succeed.

Change is hard and I have dealt with it in maladaptive ways for most of my life. These strategies worked at the time but they no longer suffice. I need to be OK with the anxiety of science and allow myself to master it without aid or distraction.

Wish me luck.

End of the Summer Accomplishments!

2011-08-11T15:47:00.001-07:00

Last day of lectures. Got some applause from a wonderful class. One comps requirement DOWN!

Photos of this Year....

2011-08-02T13:55:00.001-07:00

http://www.flickr.com/frontierpsychrach

Teaching....

2011-07-20T14:03:00.000-07:00

I feel incredibly grateful to be teaching Abnormal Psychology again this summer. I really connect to students and I get such positive feedback. I'm feeling especially lucky to have a fun group this year, consisting of actors, musicians, and physical therapy students. One of them even said I was an inspiration to them for studying Serious Mental Illness.

SMI til I die, yo.

...Fear Gone!

2011-06-29T15:29:00.000-07:00

Played our last show last night. So many people came out to support our music and it was beautiful. Felt like an appropriate end. I know I will succeed in both making a quality record and getting my PhD...feels like a productive time in my life is about to begin. I feel ready for the future to arrive.

Growing Older....

2011-06-10T16:59:00.000-07:00

Feeling quite reflective today: almost 28. Feeling good about what the future holds. Proud of my past accomplishments. Time moves forward and us with it, until the end. I want to move forward this year, and get out of school forever. Bring it.

SF + POPFEST 2011!

2011-06-03T14:18:00.001-07:00

Aloha All,

My updates on this blog are completely sporadic and it appears to be becoming something of a Travelogue....with this in mind, I'd like to update y'all on my trip to San Francisco!
Excess began early on this trip with a child-size Ralph Lauren dress that I actually bought in the airport. (It's gorgeous, so please don't hate.)I flew in, touched down, threw my stuff in a small motel and high-tailed it over to the Rickshaw Stop! It was time for SF Popfest, a very unique brand of the UK festival run by Deborah Bard and other lovely people. First on the night was Blackbird Blackbird. I was immediatley blown away by how amazing he was. With only a laptop and a live drummer, he managed to conjure sounds that were at once ethereal and immediate. I loved his set and was dancing like a fiend, which my friend Jake later dubbed as "hilarious." The drinks at the Rickshaw Stop are strong indeed, and it wasn't long til I was feeling like I was on vacation "proper."
Next day we headed to MOMA, where the permanent collection was as lovely as ever. There were also a fiew short video pieces that I thought were amazing. I met up with my folks for Teatro Zinzanni, a cute little circus + dinner act. This cast was made special with the addition of Rebekkah Del Rio, the singer from Lynch film "Mullholland Drive!" She actually sang "Llorando" (a cover of the Roy Orbison song 'Crying') right to our table! Amazing. After that we went to go see Dominant Legs, which features members of the band Girls. They were great and we actually got to meet them after the show, which was lovely. I missed the Motifs, which were apparently the highlight act of the night, but I fully intend to catch them again in the future.
I met up with my friend Glenn's old friends, Teva and Anne Marie, who put me up for the night. In the morning we went to the Alemany Farmer's Market! It was amazing, complete with a woman with an actual 'singing saw', as well as a steel drummer. It was also huge and the fruit selection was amazing. (This reminded me of how much I really need to start going to the KCC Market more often, as I too usually neglect fresh fruit in favor of coffee + muffins.) Super fun! That night I saw Melted Toys, the Mantles and the Undertones at the Rickshaw Stop. Melted Toys were amazing, and their beautiful melodic guitar work left me breathless. The lead singer can really sing as well, and the effects on the vocals only added to the "we are singing in a cave" acoustics! The Mantles were OK, a little blah for what I expected, but the Undertones were amazing. They still sounded as good as ever! I felt very grateful to have caught that show, for who knows when those guys will tour again?
An easy Saturday followed. I went to the De Young and saw more of their permanent collection. I watched "The Room," at the Red Vic, which included hilarious audience particpation, such as throwing spoons when there was a picture of a spoon. I hung out with long-time friend Candace in Oakland and had a great time watching Candy Darling and walking on Lake Merrit. On Sunday it was time to see the Beets, Catwalk, Seapony, and Eternal Summers! I met up with my friend Glenn and had a very spicy Pho dinner before heading to the Hemlock. Sadly we had missed Seapony. Catwalk were quite good. The Beets were somewhat irritating, in terms of a "Moldy Peaches-esque" vibe that somehow only the Moldy Peaches ever really pulled off well. I did like their lights, however, and the banner which read "The Beets: I'd rather watch paint dry." I expect to see more from them in the future. Eternal Summers were amazing. Their lead guitarist can play faster than any woman or man I've ever seen. She shredded and all just gaped in amazement.
For Memorial Day it was back to the East Bay. My girlfriend from high school, Amy and I, hung out in Walnut Creek and watched Labyrinth. It made me realize just how much I miss her, and makes me so glad that we've kept in touch over the years. Mom, Elliot and I had a wonderful dinner and caught up about everything. I can't wait til the days that I'm a wee bit closer to my family again, as I love them dearly.
Tuesday night hanging out with my high school friend Stephanie at the Bean Bag Cafe on Divis, which I still dearly love. Afterwards was Neon Indian and Sleigh Bells! I was totally unprepared for Neon Indian's amazing live set-up, which even included a theramin. It was noise-pop at its best, with most of the music being created completely live as well as the drummer playing to a track. It was gorgeousness and gorgeousity.... excellent show. Sleigh Bells were an interesting live watch, and certainly the loudest act I've ever seen. Up in the front row, Jake and I twisted our earpieces in to attempt to "listen," and this is not something I would do for any band. However, when I saw over 15 miked-up amps on stage, I figured this was a good idea. Alexis Kraus is a gorgeous woman, and her snake-hipped dancing made me as amped-up as the next bro, however the live show overall left something to be desired. For other acts that play similarly, such as Crystal Castles or Glass Candy, I felt that the vocals were better. Alexis seemed to be relying on backing tracks so much that I didn't really feel she was singing, and the guitarist seemed to actually be tuned down a bit. Jake described it as "somewhat metal, somewhat hip-hop, somewhat strip club" and this seemed to described the overall crowd's reaction as well. Still, it has to be said that it wasn't dull! I met up with Nate (GRLFRNDS) and his girlfriend for a pint on Divisadero, which was nice having a touch of Hawaii all the way out in San Francisco.
Last days in the city were with one of my best friends, Brian Darr, known for his amazing film blog hellonfriscobay.blogspot.com. All of you should check it out if interested in movies! Jake, Brian and I walked across the Golden Gate Bridge on our last day there. The weather was beautiful and not as biting cold as it had been. I found myself looking out to Tiburon, and the Marin Headlands, and looking foward to the days that I can cycle out there once again. (I used to cycle to Mount Tamalpais twice a month.) We went to Noc Noc, where I got a pint of actual Snakebite (a drink I used to make back in Edinburgh, what seems like ages ago) and talked about films pretty much for 24 hours straight. We saw "Boom" at the Castro, a Tennessee Williams adaptation that took all the fun out of the dialouge and delivered it through some sort of Qualude-Haze. Everyone involved seemed to be somewhat ashamed to be there, especially the stars Richard Burton and Liz Taylor, who I didn't know had been married twice! Well, the chemistry certainly wasn't apparent from the film :D
All in the all, the trip was so much fun, and the best kind of a vacation for me. I love culture, nature, and friends and this trip had all three. I can't wait til I'm headed back to the West Coast again. Til then, I suppose it's possible I'll update again, but it's dissertation time if I'm ever going to get off the rock!

Aloha For Now,

Rach

Short Post.

2010-09-15T21:52:00.001-07:00

Sometimes I forget what a rich life I've had at 27...and how lucky I am to have so many wonderful friends to share it with. Just sayin'.

"Take One Day At A Time, Everything Else You Can Leave Behind"

2010-07-23T22:39:00.000-07:00

Panda Bear's "Take Pills" sounds incessantly good in the summer time...but it's this title line that seems to resonant the most with me right now. Allow me to update you all on this summer's happenings!
After getting back from Toronto, I was instantly thrust into two new jobs: teaching and counseling. I teach at UH Outreach college, and my class is Psy 371: Abnormal Psychology. Honestly, teaching is so much fun. I had an inkling I would like it but I had no idea how truly gratifying it is to help people learn more about their minds. My students are quite brilliant, and have insightful ideas into how to make the field more scientific and less "quack-ish" for all. I hope some of them decide to get their PHDs!
My counseling job is back in the comfortable but interesting field of substance abuse. I work for the BASICS program, which allows me to do two brief interventions sessions with students who get disciplinary actions taken against for the University. These sessions are mainly preventative in nature and allow me to use my newly-gained Motivational Interviewing skills. Hopefully I will be able to count this position for internship, however the PhD on board is retiring in December. I will be sure to monitor all my hours carefully, lest only the first half of the year count!
Glenn and I are currently not speaking for the first time in two and a half years, which is tough for me. Still, the universe has delivered me a gift with a new friend and companion, Jake Aesthete! Check out his sweet electro sounds at http://www.myspace.com/aestheteisimage. I knew the scene was good for something...
And speaking of the scene, my band, the Behaviorists, has been getting more shows as well. Check us out at http://www.myspace.com/thebehaviorists. We already have a mini write-up in the Honolulu Weekly, thanks to our percussionist being on board with them. I am grateful to promotors for having us and to be able to perfect my sound. I've come full circle...from Lepidoptera to Behaviorists, and if this is my last ever project I have to say I am quite proud of it.
The summer progesses apace. Soon, I will start my new practicum with Dr. Marvin Acklin. I sincerely hope I can show him that I can do valid assesments with critical thinking. Wish me luck!!

OH, CANADA!

2010-06-22T11:08:00.000-07:00

Time for a vacation update. With the first summer RA-ship winding to a close and the second about to begin, I figured I would take some time to spend with friends off the island. I chose the lovely but perhaps rather unusual city of Toronto as a vacation destination for two reasons: 1. The North by Northeast Music Festival was there, and 2. My best friend, Poornima, was also there. Poorn and I go back a really long time...six years ago we met in Edinburgh and solidified a friendship based on carbohydrates, beer, and bands. We've visited each other in various locations around the world, but now that she has a solid home and job in Toronto I figured it was time to see the place.
When I arrived, I was greeted by a beautiful thirty-story building, similar to our nice ones in Waikiki or Punahou. Only difference is, this pimped-out pad had a gorgeous view of the entire city as well as a pool on the roof! (True Hackers-style "the pool on the roof must have a leak.") On Day 1 we went to Anthropologie and spent too much on clothes (although my orange dress was worth every penny), and that night we had an amazing show: The Meligrove Band playing live from the CN Tower! We went up to the very top and looked down through the glass floors. I was petrified, but Poorn's presence calmed me enough to take some decent pictures. We also saw a free-jazz show from a band called Swyves, which were wonderful. Honolulu definitily needs some more free-jazz.
The next day I saw beautiful art at the AGO, which included pieces by the Group of Seven, as well as an exhibition on "The Space," an excellent Toronto artists' collective. The next big show for me was definitly the Besnard Lakes. They were beautiful, blissed-out psych rock, reminiscent of Spacemen 3 on a good day. Yet their lead singer hit high falsetto notes that J. Spaceman could never even dream of achieving. They played two encores and left the crowd baying for more. Definitly my favorite small show of the festival.
The next day I went to Kensington Market and saw the hipsters roaming in their natural habitat. The Chocolate Addict and the Chile's Empanada place were the highlights of this neighborhood.The next night was a bit of a low point with Japandroids and Wavves. I have to say that I enjoyed Wavves quite a bit, but it was less about the music for me and more about Nathan Williams' ridiculous stage props (cardboard aliens that breathed smoke) and onstage banter that reminded me of San Diego days: "Yeah, let's all get squirrely, brah!" I suppose you have to be from the Whale's Vagina to get it. Having gone to UCSD, I was quite amused. Poorn, however, kicked me repeatedly for making her attend. Japandroids were just boring as all get-out. Like a second rate version of the far superior Hella, they tried to make a two man set work, and failed completely. The mics hooked up to the amps just didn't do it for me. However, it was possibly a bad show for them and I wouldn't mind seeing them if they ever came to Honolulu. The night improved late on as I caught Portland's Glass Candy. They really know how to work a room and I found their disco beats catchy and fun. A band I'll certainly play more of on my radio show.
The next day we headed out for a special treat : the Toronto Island Festival. Despite having a beer line that lasted for nearly three hours, I have to say that this was the best outdoors show I had seen since T in the Park. We started with Timber Timbre, a Toronto folk band that I genuinely loved. I fully expect to buy this record and play the hell out of it on my show. Next we saw Beach House, who delivered an almost too-perfect set: glissandos and vocal tics just like on the record. Still, the sound was beautiful as it carried across the giant field on a 82 degree day in the North. Broken Social Scene truly amazed me. I've never seen them live before, and their set was hugely inspriring and actually left me in tears. "Texaco Bitches" was the highlight of the set for me, and is actually much more fun to listen to away from the U.S.A! They also brought Feist up on stage, as well as Emily Haynes from Metric (best legs in indie rock, five years and counting!) They seemed to truly love what they did and they made a believer out of me. Last in the night was Pavement, as the sun finally set. Poorn and I danced like fools to "Range Life" (square-dance style), "Rattled by the Rush," "Trigger Cut," "Cut Your Hair," "Sirens of the Slipstream," "Date with Ikea," "Stereo," and so many others! Malkmus truly owned vocally, and the band seemed to be playing better than ever. The tambourinist actually gave me goose bumps with how well he played! Our ears got blown out, but it truly was a perfect ending to a perfect day. Pavement is a band I truly thought I would never see live, and I'm glad that they reformed to make all of us indie kids happy as clams this years.
However, the day wasn't over yet for me. Poorn went home to sleep, I changed into a dress I bought at Anthro, and headed out to see another act I've loved from childhood: Quintron and Miss Pussycat. They were actually the main reason that I wanted to go to NXNE! I saw them at the Garrisson, where I met a couple of nice artist types. The venue seemed like one of the better ones in Toronto, and it was small and packed to the gills when the husband-and-wife duo from Lousiana took the stage. Qiuintron's set-up is truly remarkable: A car-grill covering the Hammond Organ, the Drum Buddy (which he built) set up to the left, and Miss Pussy-cat's mikes and props to the right. They played the most AMAZING set: jumping right into the crowd "Festival-style" for "Swamp-Buggy Badass," and "Witch in the Club" had the whole place jumping. My favorite, however, was the spaced out "Dream Captains," which had me dancing as funky as I could with the lights blazing off my back. It was a blissed out moment, and perhaps the highlight of the festival for me.
The next day was all about recovery, and Poorn and I had an amazing veggie sandwhich at the Black Camel (she had two!), and went hiking in Toronto's trails. We saw an old abandoned brick factory called the Brickworks, which apparently people still play shows in! We listened to birds call and even went through an old cemetary. I accidentally washed my feet in a hose that was meant for the dead, which had Poorn groaning with rage. I eventually made it up to her. A truly Rachael moment. For our last night we had nachos and beer at Sneaky Dees, and reminisced about old times. It was just like we were back at Favorit in Edinburgh. It made me realize how valuable her friendship has been to me for all these years. I am truly blessed to have a friend like her.
As I left on the plane I picked up some maple leaf and moose souveniers for family and friends. I thought about all of the beautiful art, architecture, and culture that I had imbibed here in Canada. It truly is a wonderful place, and one I want to see more of in the future. I can see that my Canadian friends in the UH Psych Program are correct: Canada= WIN.

Update City!

2010-05-02T20:44:00.000-07:00

It's finals week.... so I thought I'd procrastinate with you, my adoring public. But seriously, these last few weeks have been pretty intense. I've been winding down my time at Hawaii State Hospital, and I know I will miss it immensely. I have had so many life-changing clinical experiences that it is impossible to go into them all. One of them sticks out though: Ku'aloa beach with my clients, paddling and repeating in a steady mantra "1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10...switch!" We all went out in a canoe, nearly all the way to Hat Island! It was a gorgeous moment and one that I will remember forever.

This summer brings new challenges, and also some leisure time to look forward to. In June I will go to Toronto for my birthday to visit Porn (Poornima), who I haven't seen for nearly two years. Toronto Island Fest is the ultimate destination: to bask in the glow of Pavement and Beach House!When I come back I will have 1. A new practicum 2. A GA-ship 3. A Teaching Job. This summer is going to be INSANELY busy. But I know I can handle it.

In other good news, I was elected KTUH's Rock Director! Yay! This is my first radio staff position, and I know it is going to be a lot of fun.

See you all after finals,

Rachael

It Was A Strange Time in My Life....

2010-02-19T11:25:00.000-08:00

More things have happened since last updates! Wow, almost too many to count. In terms of my work at Hawaii State Hospital, it has been an amazing experience for me. I have met such wonderful people, my boss has been compared to an 'angel' by more than one person, and my friend James listens to my show every week. The clients are even more incredible. I have the best rapport with a Native Hawaiian gentleman with a mild learning disability and possible Schizophreniform Disorder. All we do is tell stories all day, like about Pele and jumping into the volcano on Maui! He calls himself "Hawaiian Superman." We pull taro together down in the lo'i, which is hard work but incredibly rewarding.

School is hectic as usual, and next week I have to start child assesment. I have no doubt it will be difficult, but I also have faith in myself as a caring person who most will trust and speak to.

I have had about 10 billion DJ gigs all over town, most of them paid! This is a pleasant change for the 'working for drinks' ethics I used to see in San Diego and Edinburgh. I'm quite pleased with how this aspect of my life is working out. I do need to work more on my music, however. My friend Tracy and I are currently reworking the lyrics to 'Running In Circles,' so we'll see how that goes. I also feel that I should be trying to play live, even with old material. I would love to contribute something to the small but burgeoning indie music scene here in Oahu. Just writing that sounds super patronizing, but the truth is I really do love it!

My personal life has been a bit of a mess. Ever since Glenn broke up with me it seems I've been trying to fill this void that he's left by dating people that are, frankly, beneath me. I think I'm finally pau with that now. I want to actually try to be single (first time in four years). I think it will allow me to really take stock of who I am and what I want, instead of focusing on someone else. This time I'm really going to try to take it one solitary day at a time.

The final blessing in this has been my friends. I have made so many new friends here in Oahu. It seems I am never without something to do. Only last week I jumped into the cove next to China Walls with an old friend and two new ones, the sun dancing off our backs (and burning us to a crisp.) Directly after this I went to Kareoke with some different people, and the next day I had a beach party with someone else. The amount of friends I have made makes me feel truly loved, and in fact was sorely lacking in my life in San Francisco.

So the old cliches of "up and downs", and "never a dull moment" fairly accurately describes this year thus far. I will endeavour to balance it all a bit better in the coming months.

Aloha For Now,

Rach

New and Improved Psychology Position!

2009-10-04T13:14:00.000-07:00

Aloha,

A lot has happened since this psych-in-training last spoke. I moved out of my old house, got an adorable kit-eh, and said goodbye to my ex. As one door closes another opens; I got an amazing job at Hawaii State Hospital.
At the Aloha Garden, we work on Hawaiian cultural values such as Lokahi, Kuleana, and Laulima. We try to present these values in ourselves and model them to the clients. We work in the recovery model to allow clients to grow and change. Our therapy is very different than traditional Western methods because we work alongside the clients in the garden as we weed, water, and cook. We have Occupational Therapists that come down to the garden to run classes. The clients themselves behave very differently than on the units. Many of them note 'The garden is the reason I chose to be at the hospital instead of in jail.' Hearing this makes me realize how effective the therapy is. My supervisor is doing a follow-up study in the community to see if the Aloha Garden improves the recidivism rate for previous offenders... I certainly believe that she will come up with some good numbers.

Aloha For Now,

Rachael

Time To Go It Alone....

2009-09-09T17:49:00.000-07:00

More adjustments! Grrr... will this year ever end? Anyways, my boyfriend Glenn couldn't find a job here in Hawaii that he liked. He felt there were no opportunities for him, and so he is going back to San Francisco. We have talked about splitting up, and it looks like it will happen.
In adittion, I also have to find a new place to live by the end of the month, and move out of my place.
Sigh... will the grad school madness let up? I certainly hope it will at least prove useful to me in my future career.

A Difficult Turn of Events...

2009-08-20T18:24:00.000-07:00

Unfortunatly, the organization I work for cannot support part time GRA-ships anymore. I was promised to work for them for four years, and I only got to do one. In addition, my advisor wants me to change over before next year to a different one, because he is going to lose his job too :(
Thankfully, I will still be working at Hawaii State Hospital, albeit for free. Also, they gave me a few months' notice. I had to take out a great deal of loan money to cover my non-resident tuition. My idea of going through school without debts now seems pretty ridiculous. I love UH's program but I am worried about having to change advisors mid-year, and all of the drama of finding funding. This is the reality of grad school... one day at a time.

Beautiful Hanauma Bay...

2009-08-05T16:50:00.000-07:00

I was lucky enough to see this wonder of the natural world on Sunday. The bay, curved like an oar, earned it the name 'Haunama' hundreds of years ago. Now transformed into a snorkler's paradise, it is a thousand times less garish than the beaches of Waikiki. Even with the twenty minute educational video, and the unappetising prospect of hanging with tourists, it truly was the best snorkeling experience I have ever had.

The waves break fiercely upon the rocks, and to go out there you have to have fins of steel, but Glenn and I braved the underwater storm. Once there, I saw images of indescrible beauty. The triggerfish were about four to five feet long. The parrotfish were huge images of the scrawny creatures in Waikiki, about four to five feet as well. Everything seemed beautifully megafauna-esque. The overfishing and polution in Waikiki does not allow the fish to grow as big as they are here, I suppose.

The most wonderful part of the Haunamabay exeperience was the sea turtle I observed for a full ten minutes. These wonderful animals are small and agile swimmers, and very docile. Underwater, one can swim right next to them without disturbing them. The coral was alive, and healthy, and bright yellow, and to see the turtle feasting off sea grass right next to it was a psychadelic light show of yellows and greens.

Glenn enjoyed the live mongeese even more than the fish I think! We heard hissing, turned around, and there were the little Rikki-Tikki-Tavis that I had never seen before. Ferret-like, but much furrier and longer of body, they truly were amazing. They were rooting in the trash cans like raccoons (that were thousands of times cuter).

I long to return to what is so far my favorite spot on the island.

Data Update

2009-07-21T13:44:00.000-07:00

Aloha,

I am finishing up my work with the Hawaii AMHD Conditional Release Report. It is fascinating for me to see the way the Hawaiian legal system is run. It is very sad to me that the main course of mental health is through arrest and the jail system. I am finding out very interesting things about people on Conditional Release throughout the island, including quality of life and diagnosis data. I will let you in the blogospere know when it is finished!!

Difficult (But Worthwhile) Summer Reading...

2009-07-06T19:59:00.000-07:00

'The Kindly Ones'- Jonathon Littel

I am a squeamish reader by trade. I couldn't even make it through 'American Psycho.' So why did a book that read similarly to this but dealt with Nazi atrocities during WWII intrigue me so? I think it had to do with the mastery of Jonathon Littel, who penned this epic novel. I truly think anyone interested in either this war, the legal system, or Post-traumatic Stress Disorder should read this amazing book at once.

Since I am from a strictly Jewish family, and my grandmother is a survivor, I have heard only heartbreaking and anguishing tales about the Holocaust. The Holocaust is reffered to now almost as some sort of unbelievable event, or some maudlin tale, or else it is used in unfair historical comparisons such as "Bush was Hitler." Mind you, Bush was a fool of a man, certainly, but he did not believe in mass genocide of an entire "race" of people.

"The Kindly Ones" strips away all the nonsense about the actual events of war, and tells it EXACTLY like it is. Littell researched extensively for five years, and the narrative covers the beginning of the war in Germany all the way to its end. The protagonist argues at the beginning that "I am a man, just like you!" To argue for the "humanity" of the narrator, an effete SS Soldier who is homosexual and likes to read Flaubert while marching, Little gives the readers two sides of an enigmatic and tortured soul who at the end of the novel is simply making lace at a Parisan factory, living out a farce of a marriage and a generally boring life.

What divides critics on the novel is not, in fact, the painstaking detail given to the beauracracy of the SS and the Jewish atrocities. Rather, it is the "humanizing" of the protagonist by giving him family issues, severe PTSD, and sexual practices that most people would rather not read about, thus giving it the unfortunate label of "Nazi Porn." I think, however, that this objection to the novel is extremely unfair. What could be more inhuman then having no desires, or fears, or secrets, no matter how loathsome they may be? As a psychologist, I was perhaps not as offended by some at the protagonists' shameful actitivies. Rather, as the book progressed towards more and more surreal fantasies, I was taken with how accurate this view of repressed sexuality could be. In addittion, having worked around severe PTSD people even today with the Iraq war, nothing could be more relevant than the effects of severe PTSD that the protagonist experiences, although the degree of it is exaggerrated for effect.

The truth of the matter is that people have these doubts because the book argues two (seemingly contradictory things): 1. The Germans were not evil, because they were merely acting in a manner that they believed to be right. 2. The SS soldiers harbored secrets that turned them into monsters. However, a good look into these arguements shows them both to be true. 'The Kindly Ones' argues simply that if a nation, or a person, commits a crime, no matter how unspeakable, then he/she should be judged according to all the facts. If they are guilty, then they should be punished. However, some who commit unspeakable crimes will always escape the axe... but they will not escape themselves. The fall out from World War II has had a profound effect on the German cultural psyche, and indeed there was a time when it was impossible for the Holocaust to even be taught in schools to German schoolchildren. As Shakespeare (and Littel) argue, "All are punished." Whether the punishment is psychological, physical, cultural, or otherwise, the solution of murder always has a price.

These digressions aside, the protagonist caught in a Greek tragedy of his own making is clearly a metaphor for Germany itself. As he falls into delusions and madness, so does the Third Reich come crumbling down around his ears.In the beginning of the book he is certain about his ideas and the solution for killing Jews, at the end he is no longer so sure that he did the right thing. And in the end, punishment does come for him (but not in the way he expected.) Germany was torn in two by the end of the war, but for many the axe never fell upon them. For the clever, the crafty, and the desperate, there was always another way to find a meal (as evidenced by the sinister Dr. Mandelbrod in the book.) Like Germany, the narrator finds a way to return to peace and quiet, but is always haunted by the past, which has set a hold in him and never lets him free.

In conclusion, if you want to read a different kind of WWII story, something that you may have never thought of considering before, 'The Kindly Ones' is an excellent book to start. Having read this work of fiction, I now feel that I am truly ready to read far more horrifying works, such as Mein Kamp, simply because they are true.

FIRST FRIDAY DJING!

2009-06-30T15:20:00.001-07:00

Come out and see me!
6-7 pm, outside Mercury Bar, KTUH Booth.

I will play Flosstradamus!!

<3

PIKTURES

2009-06-25T15:00:00.000-07:00

I uploaded a lot of pics from San Francisco and from Las Vegas and Utah.... the ultimate vacation. They can be found at: www.facebook.com/rpolokoff

MUSIC BLOGGGG

2009-06-15T18:49:00.001-07:00

Also,

I have a new KTUH playlist BLOG. Like to hear it, hear it goes....

http://storiesfromthecityktuh.blogspot.com/

A Summer/Birthday Vacation.....

2009-06-15T12:23:00.000-07:00

Aloha all!

I am back from San Francisco and rejuvenated as can be. Several things have happened, all of which are pretty awesome and amazing.

(1) I moved in with Glenn in a little appartment in Waikiki. It is so much fun living together!! I love him and we have a lot of fun (despite our standards of cleaning being lax by anyone's standards.)
(2) I found Randall hill at last! I was walking from the Haight to the Castro and meandered around up the tallest of hill on Masonic, finally finding my way to Randall Hill Park! I couldn't believe it when I reached the rocks at the top, especially in my snazzy non hike-friendly boots.
(3) I saw old friends Hugh, David, Amy, and Brian again. I love them all!
(4) I saw Kim and Jacob from Nightmare Drum Song again! They were so much fun to hang out with.
(5) I met Vice Cooler from Hawnay Troof and XBXRX for the 2nd time. We went to a noise show in Berekeley and my eardrums were literally blown out for two days. It was beyond amazing. "Lemon Pretend" are another name to look out for. Jacob, who is friends with Vice, noted that he actually changed his name legally to "Vicente Coolerius."
(6) I got some awesome birthday cash and a new dress from Cinnamon Girl!
(7) Mom and I went to Vegas and stayed at the MGM Signature Hotel, Penthouse Suite, which was pimped out to the max and was larger than my entire office.
(8) I lost fourty bucks on the slots :)
(9) I went with Mom to a destination spa in Utah called "Red Mountain Spa." My Mom complained about the food and she got a dirty fork, mean waiter style ;) Don't mess with a waiter I say!
(10) We went hiking, kayaking, and horsebacking riding in the gorgeous desert of Snow Canyon!
(11) Upon my return I saw "Up" in 3d at the Castro Theatre.
(12) I took about twenty billion pictures that I can't upload until we get internet in our appartment.
(13) My birthday on the 13th yielded food and fun at Dave and Busters, followed by an Asterisk reunion at Toma Kareoke!

And that's all I will say about my wonderful vacation... in this post. Back to da grind.

I CAN HAZ NEW RADIO SHOW!!

2009-05-26T14:51:00.000-07:00

I have been awarded a radio show on KTUH. This totally does not add to my new "professional" outlook on life, as my academic supervisor suggested. But for my love of cheesy indie and twee music, I argue mentally, I would probably not have a life at all :)

The show is called "Stories From the City, Stories From the Sea," and features a Honolulu/SF/Edinburgh bent on indie music, as only teh Rach can give. My DJ name is the ADHDJ. Yep, i'm taking it back.

Everyone listen in! Monday 12pm-3pm. www.ktuh.org

<3 <3 <3

Behaviorists Show Their Training....

2009-05-19T16:58:00.000-07:00

... And a student falls, only to be lifted up again. Friends, I got a "C" in Assessment, due to my poor choice of working in Waikiki for tourists during finals week. Ah, the perils of money! Due to this, my academic advisor took my practicuum away, as well as making me repeat the entire Assesment series over again! (And she falls to her knees). "NOOOOOO!"
But wait, there's hope. After a heartfelt appeal to the hearts of behaviorists who know only how to shape and mold professionalism, somehow I emerged on top again. The compromise being... my practicuum was given back to me!
Now I will be working at Hawaii State Hospital next year. I was the only student out of ten accepted for this prestigious position...working with some of the most difficult population in all of Oahu, that of criminals with Severe and Persistant Mental Illnesses.
My friends, I know I can do it. This setback was only one in a series that I have known. It is sad that my choices are sometimes poor. I listen to my heart but it sings the wrong song.
So now its shape up or give up. Science must take priority. I am so grateful I have loved ones that support me, as well as even behavorist advisors who are willing to give me another chance.
This time, I'll keep my eyes ahead.

Assesment + Rachael =FAIL.

2009-05-01T17:39:00.000-07:00

Aloha all,

It's been a while. So the conference went well... some liked my poster, some didn't. In any case, all agreed that the work was good. What I didn't realize was how badly I could get behind due to a conference. I got really behind in the one thing I really needed to focus on in our 'super-research-yay!' program... Assessment.
Now I have no problem with certain types of Assesment... the WMS-III, the WAIS-IV, the SCID (which I particularly love)... but I have problems with the godamn MMPI.
Why should personality disorders be categorical anyway?? Everyone with a brain agrees they should be dimensional, with the five factor model of traits... hopefully DSM-V will be better.
However, I blew an entire interview because I didn't study the MMPI. Now I will not be working at Hawaii State Hospital.
AND I blew an entire draft of a psychological report because I reported the 'raw scores' instead of the 'T scores.'
MMPI, why must you be the death of me??
I hope this semester ends soon... and that I somehow master the fine of art of assesment.

XXXADHDJXXX

AMHD Conference Tomorrow!

2009-04-13T19:24:00.000-07:00

Oh dear lord, why does my poster look like a sixth grade science project?
Seriously though, I'm so excited to be presenting my poster at the AMHD "Best Practices" conferences at Ala Moana Center tomorrow!
This will be my first poster ever presented at a scientific conference.
It is about persons on conditional release status living in the Hawaii community. Generally we see them having more severe psychopathology than the rest of the AMHD population. Sadly, they have less contact with their families too :(
Here's hoping I do well!

DJing, a Scott-an Day....

2009-04-06T19:34:00.000-07:00

Wow, KTUH Mondays are kind of fun!! I wake up and DJ at 4:30-6am, then I go back and sub the 12-3 pm Rock Slot!! Talk about avoiding grad school, the only way I know how ;)
On a positive note, my talk on Somatoform Disorders went quite well.
On another positive note, Glenn and I went to the Scottish Highland Festival at Kapiolani Park yesterday! It was so much fun and I threw a frying pan thirty feet! It was actually the worst throw of the entire Highland Games competition. Some Hawiian ladies felt bad for me and told me I was the sexiest one up there, but that didn't really help my throwing self-esteem! After this we left to go see "Evangelion 1.0: You Are Not Alone." I LOVED IT. But then I'm a big EVA fan! The film basically just redid the first five episodes with pretty graphics, and apparently it made some girl throw up her Pop Roxxx outside the theater, but it nearly made me weep. Ah the old interactions of Shinji and Misato and Penn-Penn and Rei. I felt a bit cheated that Asuka, my favorite character, wasn't even in this one, but hopefully next time! Thus Glennichiwa and I ended our Scotland-Japan (Scot-tan) day, and I was so glad to have had a Sunday off work!!

"I Ran Over My Drummer, Baby, Everybody Watch Out!"

2009-03-31T14:19:00.000-07:00

I think this may be the best line of any song ever. What ever happened to John Spencer, anyway? Did he like, kick the bucket or something? I hope not. So the ensuing bliss of my life now is of no shock to any of you. I love Glenn and am so happy he is here. I saw my friend Molly get married last Sunday while a full bluegrass band played! It was one of the best times at Asterisk EVER. I must admit that life feels brighter again. Work is still difficult, and I have a poster coming up at the AMHD's "Best Practices" Convention that I am totally NOT ready to present, but we will see. Honolulu feels so right right now.
PS I saw John Locke on the North Shore. He looked good for a guy his age.

My Life As A Single Girl....

2009-03-23T14:03:00.000-07:00

...Is coming to an end. Tomorrow Glenn will be at my side. Who knows what the future will hold for us here? I think we are going to have to wait and see. Glenn is an endless reserve of patience, so I know that whenever the going gets rough he will be there for me. I expect I will attempt the same, though who knows if I can ever get my argumentative tendencies gone? In any case, I suspect it will be a wonderful adventure for both of us. I have never lived with someone in my entire life, and I feel this a big step that I am finally ready to take.
Here's hoping, universe.

Superferry goes DOWN!

2009-03-17T18:32:00.000-07:00

Hooray! I am happy that beauracracy did not triumph over the necessity for environmental laws. It is highly probable that the Ferry is more enviornmentally sound than flying, however until we know for sure we should never allow for an unstudied mode of transportation. Many humpack whales could be affected, certainly.

"GREG SMALL – 15 hours ago
HONOLULU (AP) — The operator of the first passenger-vehicle ferry between major Hawaiian islands will stop its service after a court ruled it unfairly was allowed to bypass an environmental review.
Hawaii Superferry said Monday night it has decided "to cease operations for the present" in the wake of the state Supreme Court ruling.
The Superferry, a car and passenger service that links Oahu and Maui and hopes to expand, has been under fire from critics who argue the use of 350-foot catamaran could harm whales and damage the area's fragile ecology.
"While the appeal is not yet final because a judgment on appeal has not been entered, we want to proceed prudently and have decided to cease operations for the present," the company said in a statement. "We will make one additional round trip to get vehicles back to their homes this Thursday."
In light of the high court's decision, the Superferry must stop operation until the study is completed, said Isaac Hall, an attorney representing three groups that challenged the Superferry in court.
The state had exempted the Superferry from environmental review in 2005. But the Supreme Court later ruled that an environmental study was needed before the vessel could operate.
That prompted the Legislature to convened in special session in 2007 and pass a law enabling the Superferry to run while an environmental assessment was drafted. But the court on Monday argued that the law was unconstitutional, and sent the case back to Circuit Court.
Attorney General Mark Bennett said the administration is not considering an appeal to the U.S. Supreme Court because there is no federal issue, but the court could be asked to reconsider its decision.
Before the company's announcement, Gov. Linda Lingle had said it would be "devastating for the Superferry to stop its operation."
The 350-foot Alakai, which can seat up to 800 passengers and carry about 200 vehicles, has operated since December 2007. The ferry was built by Austal USA in Mobile, Ala.
Lingle expressed no regret with her administration's original decision to grant the Superferry an exemption from state environmental review laws.
"We know from the beginning we were correct and accurate," she said. "We've been able to provide a great service the people of Maui and Oahu, one that they've come to appreciate and in some cases, to depend upon."
State Sen. Kalani English, D-East Maui-Lanai-Molokai, who voted against the exemption, said he warned at the time it was unconstitutional special legislation. English said the company could have avoided the problem if it had agreed to an environmental impact statement from the start.
"If they did that, none of this would have happened," he told The Honolulu Advertiser.
Earlier this month, the state House quashed a bill that would have allowed Superferry more time for completion of the environmental review. So the assessment must be completed by late June.
It's unclear if a new environmental review is needed or if the state and Superferry can use work that has already been done."

Random Acts of Kindness....

2009-03-11T15:42:00.001-07:00

...Mean more to me than anyone can ever know. Thank you, friends, for being there with me through a hard time of adjustment and illness this winter.... I really, really needed it.

Much Love.

Shoots.

..And Success in Art as Well!

2009-03-10T16:28:00.000-07:00

Last night I played solo at Anna Bannanas, which I haven't done in front of a real crowd since Edinburgh. Although many found my stuff cute and enjoyable, I often heard comments like "she can't hold a guitar," etc. Last night, though, I got a TON of positive feedback! Everyone seemed to love my voice, Davey wanted to jam with me, Chris wanted to jam with me, and a lady said I could even have a "career" in folk! I was so happy and fulfilled. I played "Game of Chess," "Video Blue" and "Not for all my little words." I wanted to play my new song, "Two Vipers," but I haven't quite worked it all out. I guess I just don't feel right unless i'm playing music in some way... but once I do, I really feel amazing and alive. To make everything better, Alec, Chris, and even Ali came out to see me, so I feel better about Asterisk too! Hooray!

Sucess at Work !!

2009-03-09T18:44:00.000-07:00

Holy frijoles,

My poster was accepted for the AMHD best practices conference!! If you want to see some of my data I would be happy to upload my presentation: "Persons on Conditional Release Living With Severe and Persistant Mental Illness in Hawaii: Characteristics and Quality of Life."

xxxrach

Working For the Man Every Night and Day...

2009-03-02T15:43:00.001-08:00

I must be becoming more and more Hawaiian, because I now work for the hospitality industry. Actually, that's putting it far too glamourously. I work at a stand in the Tapa Bar Hilton on the weekends. Why, you ask? I already get a stipend and free tuition. I work at the Lanakila Health Center and MHSRET under this stipend. The answer is simply: Asterisk rent. So why stay? Well, besides the fact that I am notoriously indecisive about such matters, my boyfriend is finally moving in with me in JUST THREE WEEKS!! We can find a cheaper place after that I assume. I'm looking towards Makiki, because I want windows and plants again, rather than the urban splendour that is Moilili.
As for teh stand, I made 40 bucks a week in tips, so at least I can justify it to myself that I'm ripping off tourists.
Shoots!

"I asked Will, Bonnie Prince Palace, or Whatever, What Do You Think About It?"

2009-02-20T14:11:00.000-08:00

..."Is it worth being an indie rock star or are you better off without it?' A line from the classic Jeffrey Lewis "Will Oldham Williamsburg Horror," does not describe to any degree the complete starstruckness that hit me when speaking to the man at his concert two nights previously. As anyone who used to be with me on past radio shows can tell you, I get completely starstruck around people I respect. My friend Alec remarked that he could never see me getting tounge-tied, being that I'm so very talkative, and I laughed and said it was because I didn't respect him that much ;)
But joking aside, thanks to a certain DJ friend of mine I was able to actually go into the KTUH station and speak with him and Emmet Wylie, a country singer from L.A. that he's currently recording with. Mr. Oldham was wearing an orange shirt and shorts that showed his belly and bald head. He seemed strangly at odds with the persona he had crafted over the years: a mysterious, dark, and tortured soul. Rather he was laughing with everyone, smiling broadly at us, "shooting the s--t" with his Mom and me and Davey, whose capo he had used for the in-station show. The new music he played was beautiful: "Beware," and "For Everyone" were among my favorites. The next night he played a lovely subdued gig at the Mercury Bar, where I must admit there wasn't a dry eye in the house. I meekly opened my mouth and squeaked, "Can you play 'A Sucker's Evening' for me, please?" as though I was in the third grade. Perhaps it was the pre-gig meeting at KTUH, but for whatever reason, he complied, and he and Emmett played the best version I have ever heard... wandering, strange, and far more country and howling than the orginal.
I have been to many, many, a show in my young life, but I'd never expected to see the best one here in Honolulu, among the palms and the sand. Another reason to be greatful for life bringing you where you should be, even if sometimes its hard.

A Whale of a Tale or Two (On Valentine's Day!)

2009-02-15T21:13:00.000-08:00

Tis a rare, rare occurence, Blogworld, that I have no date on Valentine's Day. I say this without a trace of arrogance, for I'm well aware of the stupidity of such a holiday. I simply seem to have had throughout my life a certain propensity for romance and the desire to please and be pleased... let's just say that in seinor year, my best friend Amy Garcia and I bet who could would have a boyfriend first so that we would have a date for Valentine's Day, and I won.
But all ancient slaggery aside, I have found my true love, fairly far away Danville and even from Edinburgh (even though we grew up nearly on the same street together) in San Francisco. The Gods decreed that this V day our whale-watching plans would be thwarted, due to the economy sucking and more money needing to be saved for Glenn to move in. So I decided to ask my roomates, the Asterisk Krew, to come with me instead! The results were amazingly wonderful and unexpected.
On the whale cruise, we saw not one, not two, but THREE whales! They were all humpbacks, a mother and baby, as well as the lone escort, helping them make their crucial journey through the Hawaiian waters. And then something wonderful happened. The mother and baby of them actually jumped high in the water, as though dancing, breaching, leaping, and showing us all of their massive bodies in tandem. It was one of the most beautiful moments in my entire life. Alec, Charlie, Sarah, Luke and I smiled and cheered, and felt almost the same the kind of exhiliration one feels when falling in love.
Afterwards it was indie dancing with my other set of friends, including the awesome Lauren, Ryan, Isa, Elegance, Mish, Dean, Matt, and Steph, among others. I simply love dancing with them because they are so unselfconscious, and allow a ditz like me to recite all the lyrics without moving away quietly. Their dancing reminds of the Egg, some three or four years ago, when it was totally OK to just bust a move without feeling like an idiot while mouthing 'House of Jealous Lovers." That song in particular holds a meaning for me, having seen them play it at the top of a ferris wheel when my best friend declared his love for me while on mushrooms... a very surreal experience indeed.
And so that brings us all back to love, my friends. Whether you care for a lover or for a friend, know that this is all you have to do on this Earth, and that you are contributing to the sum of good as opposed to badness.

I've Loved You So Long...

2009-02-02T14:59:00.000-08:00

I have some new readers and viewers to this worldsphere of mine, so I'd like to do more reviews of things I've done in Honolulu.
Ever since I left my boyfriend and all manner of old friends behind in other parts of the world, I've become a little bit more introspective. Don't get me wrong, I've made lots of friends and have had wonderful times with them on the island. But sometimes, between work and school and music, I need a little bit of "Rach time," corny as that sounds.
Hence, my Kahala 8 Sunday Showtime. I love Kahala 8 theatres because they always show smaller films that the other theatres in Honolulu don't show, and unlike Doris Duke, no one ever goes so its never crowded. I consider Kahala 8 Honolulu's best kept secret... and I love it. Every Sunday I endeavour to see a film, on my own, and to absorb it completely. Normally gregarious, I totally eschew any company that might want to come along, it just seems right to have this time to myself.
Last night I watched "I've Loved You So Long," which was probably my favorite film I've seen this year. I loved it because I intend to be a forensic psychologist, and to work with felons. Here I saw an intimate portrait of a person who is literally stigmatized forever for a decision that she made. A mistake? Perhaps... but one that she must continually suffer for. Her estranged family attempts to be there for her while she tries over and over again to go on living, albeit as self-contained as possible. I don't think very many people understand what it means to never be able to be free of the past. But for the people I worked with, it was the complete sum total of their lives. Hope is so difficult, and desperate, but they still held on... I want to be able to aid this process of recovery as much as possible. I was glad that Juliette had a family to go to, and a social worker (albeit one that she makes fun of), but I was still wondering about the "halfway hosue" situation in France... perhaps they don't have any? Halfway houses help to ease the transition between prison and home, and I fully and totally believe in them. I hope to start a program like that on Hawaii one day, as we currently dont' have one.
But I digress... back to the film at hand. It touched me because the dialogue was so real, and the arguements so universal, but the characters and people brought emotion and love to the story. Of all the reasons to "go on," it seems that love is still the greatest one of all... even though is never even mentioned until the end of the film.

Tent Communities in Waianae...

2009-02-01T16:40:00.000-08:00

http://articles.latimes.com/2006/sep/24/news/adna-oahu24

I found this article fascinating. For the first time, yesterday on a hike to Keana Pt, I saw these communities for myself. Living in San Francisco, I had plenty of experience with homeless people and even worked with them for periods of time. However, I had never seen anything like this. The sheer number of people living on the beaches, or in huts, astounded me, as though I were living in the slums of Johannesberg rather than a U.S state. The tents were sometimes held together with cords, other times there were small huts made of wood and advertisements of 'free soda.'
What would make someone join a tent community? Is it really as terrible as it sounds? What would it mean to be a part of this community? Would someone who had a native ancestry perhaps feel closer to Hawaii, to their people, if they were far away from the cities and towns?
Or is it all about money, all due to the huge crisis of a 10 year high in joblessness that makes families unable to support themseleves and leave no other option?
I really, really want to know what it means to live this kind of life. I am not coming at this from some preachy desire to 'live like common people' or even a voyuerisitc tendency to festishize this other life. Rather I want to know what this culture is, their struggles and necessities, their ability to live and work and the stigma that must come with it. However, I want to do this without acting like some tourist haole who just wants to condemn all homeles for messing up her vacation (I swear, these people exist, read the Advertiser.)
I think I am going to find a way to talk to some people in this situation at Wainae, just so I can learn what it is like.

We are the Goon Squad and We're Coming To Town (Beep Beep!)...

2009-01-27T15:07:00.000-08:00

I just wanted to say to the Blogworld that I was in two issues of the Honolulu fashion magazine, SMART. I have no idea why that makes me so happy, only I don't think I was ever in one in my life before! There is something so brilliant about the close-knit community of Honolulu. You have so many chances to stand out and be unique. Although I haven't lost sight of my grad school focus, living with artists inspires me and makes me want to make better music. My new project, the Patty Chase, is playing on Saturday @ Anna Bannanas and I am really looking forward to it!
Will I ever grow up?
Do I need to?

"I want to be a playboy's bunny...."

2009-01-17T16:23:00.000-08:00

The Nun's Litany. Man, that song grows on you, doesn't it? Missing Glenny as per usual makes me feel this particular sassy's sister's pain. True love's a bitch, but then its worth every penny, as they say.
This weekend was uber chilled out after the hi-jinx of last week's first week back. The weather turned dour and a 'storm watch' cancelled school and work yesterday, so it was movie time! Since the 'better-faster-stronger' Alec moved into Asterisk the place has improved about six thousand percent, especially since he's a film buff like me (though his term for me is 'snob.)
We watched 'Big Lebowski,' a golden oldie, followed by Jason's pick 'American Psycho.' Although this is an excellent film, I have to caution anyone against the book, because it's real trash. The only book to get banned in the 90s and for good reason is actually not that shocking- just shockingly dull and tasteless. This essentially interesting satire of the 80s facelessness gets blown through the author's lack of craft into a huge, coke-fueled demon monster paranoia book. It's the literary equivalent of Tricky mixed with Slipnot. Not a good proposition my friends. (Although Ellis' first novel, 'Less than Zero,' was simply excellent.)
The final film before Thai food was 'Lake of Fire,' which I can say is the best documentary I've ever seen. Kaye has a cameraman's eye for shots like Ulrich Seidl, and films all in perfect symmetry and beautiful black and white, even the famed abortion shot itself. Despite my firmly pro-choice views, and all the subsequent pro-life madness following, I simply couldn't get the bloody viscera out of my mind. Highly reccomended.
This is Rach signing off for now, as its sunny and the fish practically call out to be watched on Ft. De Russy, the world's most undderated snorkeling beach.
xxx

Joy Is...

2009-01-10T21:45:00.000-08:00

...Recording a song on the synth that sounds like Black storks calling. They have amazing throat patches.
I went to the Honolulu Aquarium and Zoo today, basically just whooped it up tourist-stylee. I was very impressed by the zoo. Lots of Lemurs!! Lemurs!! Lemurs!! Ok, I just thought they were awesome. They have groups of females rather than males, and they looked like 20-somethings chattering and grooming each other just like a bunch of ladies having lunch. It's amazing how simian people can be sometimes... reminds me of that wonderful Will Self satire 'Great Apes.'
Last night at Ross' was much fun. Hilarity ensued with the Justice tour manager 'I'm actually buying a gun' from the 'A Cross the USA' JUSTICE tour record. Elegance took me outside and asked me if I was bulemic, then proceeded to drunkenly justify said question... AWKWARD. I laughed. Do I come off as that insecure? Good lord, I thought I had grown up a little since Edinburgh.... but who knows. I can only be who I am... which is a long way away from my old self-hating behaviors of my teenage years... later he stroked my hair and fell asleep. I felt a strange mixture of compassion and rage.
I miss Glenn but I will live through this time as he comes in April.
I am happy to be back.
I think I'm starting to love Hawaii.

..And On A Side Note...

2008-12-27T13:02:00.000-08:00

4.0 GPA MOTHA F---A!!!

HOORAY!!

On Channukah, a Jew Speaks Up...

2008-12-27T11:58:00.000-08:00

For two days I was with the Waits, aka the 'Whitest Family Alive' celebrating Christmas. It was awesome and beautiful up in the mining country, and I loved playing Clue and opening presents around the tree. I got some weird questions of the 'can you eat this' variety, but generally things were merry and well.
I come back to find Israel has bombed Gaza and the death toll is now close to 200. Mom and I (and she has NEVER agreed with me before on this) spoke out against Israel and said it should have never been created as a state, something that I have believed in from the earliest time I was aware of the state. Despite all of my brainwashing as a child in temple, something seemed rotten in the state of Israel from the very beginning. My holocaust survivor grandmother, unfortunatly, FREAKED OUT. She is now not speaking to either us. She says she feels as if someone punched her in the face.
I only feel sadness because despite my optimism I see that this world is farther away from peace and love than it has ever been. I hate that my people are so blind that they kill innocents on their holiday. The Seven Years War, on Passover, was basically the equivalent of this. We are no better than the murderers we accuse- warmongering animals trying to survive, instead of a human and beautiful people that we have the potential to be. We have the ability to be the most humane of all- forever hunted and wiped out- but we are acting like fools and I am ashamed.
If that wasn't bad enough, we got a Wii and my mom and I were playing DDR all last night. I wake up this morning to find that the military is going to use Wii technology to create little 'killbots.'
Let's all sing the Doom Song....
I know people are good....
I only wish they weren't equally evil, at a time when they are supposed to feel love.

POP THE KRIS SAN FRANCISCO!!

2008-12-18T16:13:00.000-08:00

I'm a comin' home!!!!Apparently its been pretty cold.IM SO EXCITED!!! It's been 80 out here for...oh yeah, every day now.Soon I'll have scarves and boots and mittens ...and all of you lovely people.I'll be home from the 20th-6th, SO PLEASE LETS HANG OUT!!808-554-0649.xxxrach

In other words, Allygator's b-day party freaking rocked. I sang "God Only Knows," "99 Problems," and "Love is a Battlefield," as well as an AMAZING version of "Take Your Momma Out!" I LOVE KAREOKE AND WILL MISS IT MUCHLY.

ALOHA xxx

My band on the Radio Tonight!!

2008-12-15T16:47:00.000-08:00

Nightmare Drum Song is joining the legions of Oahu bands on Monday Night Live this very eve.
Nine o clock Oahu time.
Listen to us at www.ktuh.org

In other news, I saw Milk and I loved the rioting scene in Twin Peaks. I am uber nostalgic but this made more so. I never used to get served in there, not possesing a penis, but Glenn and David always served me up some good Midori sours.
I'll be home soon.
Oahu is my second home, but San Francisco will always be primary.

End of the (School) Year Musings...

2008-12-11T14:53:00.001-08:00

It's not quite time for the New Years stuff yet, but on this beautiful tropical stormy day in Oahu, I think I'll ruminate for a bit.
This year has probably been the most difficult of my entire life.
I've faced a debilitating illness, stress beyond measure, and personal goals to fulfill in order to achieve my long-sought after dream of a psychology career.
I think I have grown considerably as a psychologist, and as a woman.
Before this year I never really stopped to muse on where my life was going. I was anxious about it, of course, and always ready to move on to the next stage, but really I was running.
Running and running and running from myself, from my fears about my own self-efficacy.
This year I've had to face these fears head on.
I think, in many ways, I have succeeded. My projects are all doing well, and though the threat of funding being cut always looms in the distance, I think I will have a good paper/poster yet by March.
My health has its ups and downs, but I continue to see an improvement in my coping responses, which I think is wonderful.
I have seen a huge increase in my pride and self-esteem regaurding my overall life.
Although Glenn is moving in (and I couldn't be happier!!!) I have reduced my dependence on people and am allowing myself room to grow as a woman, rather than always relying on others.
My music has shown a great deal of improvement on the synths!!
In general, I believe that life has given me many challenges, but that I have proved myself worthy to face them all.
As the school year ends, I know I have truly done well, and for the first time all year, I am truly proud.

MENOMENA!!!!

2008-11-30T20:16:00.001-08:00

At last, a show in Honolulu that made it worth the 20 dolla.
Fantastic!
Every song was magical, their syllables rolled off tounges sparlking with electricity and yet complete groundedness in the sound that each was creating.
I loved "Friend and Foe," but live it truly was a different experience.
Each song seemed to be full of new meaning, especially "Boyscout'n" which nearly made me break down and cry. The keyboards got turned up to make each lovely note shine harder. I love the lyrics to that song more than any other, and understand the Judas Iscariot imagry mixed with any old feeling of betrayal, whether it be by one's government, or one's best friend.
Maybe the true meaning is all of these mixed together.
All my friends were there and we gathered in a giant ball at the stage- Ryan, Allison, and Matt especially jumping along beside me.
I felt a part of something.
This is the power of music, and I don't care if its a hideous cliche.

Press the Lever, Get the Pellet.

2008-11-26T01:52:00.000-08:00

Today in neuropsychology we spoke of substance abuse, a field that has always fascinated me greatly.
Did you know that rats will self-administer cocaine til death?
What I didn't know was that all lever presses have a 'breaking point,' where its not worse the number of presses to get the reward.
With most substances of abuse the number eddied out at about 300.
It made me wonder what my breaking point was.
How much work and pain will I go through to get that one scrap of paper in my hands??
Way more than this, I'd wager.
The reinforcement stakes are so great that I'd probably work myself silly to get what I want... is this what life is?
One giant delayed-reinforcement paradigm?
I think Skinner may have had it more right than you think when he hit upon the fact that all human nature is essentially created. We may have a biological predisposition towards certain characterisitcs, but the enviornment all but molds them for us.
This is what Phil Zimbardo speaks of in his book "The Lucifer Effect," when he speaks of situational morality and its effects on others. Did Jim Jones really intend for the People's Temple to fall? Was he a doomed man or did his situation corrupt him beyond measure?
I suppose we shall never really know, but its questions like these that make psychology worth studying for me.

...Grad School Trauma Slowly Sets In!

2008-11-17T11:58:00.000-08:00

These past couple weeks have been busy.
Really, really, REALLY busy.
The new house is lovely, my flatmates and I are getting along really well, which always makes me happy.
My health is improving, sloooowly but surely. I feel like physical therapy is getting me down the right track, even though it is tough at times to do the exercises.
But sadly, if it isn't one thing it's another, and right now its GRAD SCHOOL!
After recovering from one huge bastard of a presentation I now have another one on Thursday, and then a midterm on Friday!!
Mom was right when she said I would never work so hard in my life.
In addittion I've got the office, and pleasing my academic supervisor, and getting my data in on time.
Wish me luck, people, Decemeber never seemed so far away.

XO,

Rach

The 'Morning After' Post

2008-11-05T15:17:00.000-08:00

We made history.

For once, American action triumphed over apathy.

In other news, Prop 8 passed in California, which means no more gay marriage (again.)

Let's hope the supreme court has more sense than we do!!

I'll leave you with some words more eloquent than mine.... louder than the car horns in the mission which Glenn told me were going off like siren (though none were to be heard in the Honolulu streets, and for a local boy as well!)....

"If there is anyone out there who still doubts that America is a place where all things are possible; who still wonders if the dream of our founders is alive in our time; who still questions the power of our democracy, tonight is your answer.
It's the answer told by lines that stretched around schools and churches in numbers this nation has never seen; by people who waited three hours and four hours, many for the very first time in their lives, because they believed that this time must be different; that their voice could be that difference.
It's the answer spoken by young and old, rich and poor, Democrat and Republican, black, white, Latino, Asian, Native American, gay, straight, disabled and not disabled--Americans who sent a message to the world that we have never been a collection of Red States and Blue States: we are, and always will be, the United States of America.
It's the answer that led those who have been told for so long by so many to be cynical, and fearful, and doubtful of what we can achieve to put their hands on the arc of history and bend it once more toward the hope of a better day.
It's been a long time coming, but tonight, because of what we did on this day, in this election, at this defining moment, change has come to America. "- President Elect Barack Obama

The Move Begins...

2008-10-29T16:21:00.000-07:00

"And you will find yourself in a beautiful house... and you will ask yourself 'How did I get here?'"
I love that line so much, in fact even when I didn't like the Talking Heads (many a moon ago) that line seemed to stick with me.
Along the generally good advice of friends and therapists that I shouldn't be on my own, brooding, in this lovely state of Hawai'i, I've decided to move to an art space.
Yes!!
Asterisk, on Mcully and Young, is one of the best art spaces in the entire city. It hosts shows, fashion events, and film nights. It houses 12 lovely people within its walls. Of these people, I've come to know Justin, Charlie, Sarah, and Kate extremely well. It was they who invited me to come stay with them, and I was only too delighted to say yes. I currently stay on Dole St, in a lovely but lonely and quiet (not to mention expensive) house. When I'm home I feel worse than when I'm out... and that's always a good indicator that a space isn't working out. I've always had to try to find spaces that fit me, people that I fit with... and sometimes I think I've had to look harder than some.
For me, a home represents Ohana... a family. I don't like to be solitary for too long. When I want to write songs or do work I'll throw on headphones... but I don't like to sleep without noise, without words. I love the feelings of community that living with others brings. I just hope that Asterisk will be everything that I was looking for, until Glenn arrives and we begin our era of domestic bliss... here's hoping.
We're having a Thriller halloween party, and I am SO looking forward to showing my She-Ra costume to the world! My mom said it was 'appropriate.' Maybe I've always dreamed of being a superhero, a noble person that helps and saves others. Attending to myself always seemed blase.
In other news, the Obama bike rally went amazingly well, and was NOT shut down by the Honolulu police! I went all out and Obama-mized my bike with many, many stickers. I recall when I was a child I always wanted to have a ' sticker car,' so adorned with stickers that one couldn't even see the paint. On Saturday, leading the pack ten miles to the capitol while drivers honked and cheered, I felt as close to that dream as I've ever been.
The election is coming up. VOTE. VOTE. VOTE. Don't let your words go unheeded, your thoughts go unrepresented. We're all in this together, whether we like it or not. And despite all the media and the trash, there's something about this strange little country that I still love. In fact, I've never been so proud to be an American than during this election. In Edinburgh, I was always so ashamed that sometimes I faked a Scottish accent just to make things easier (not to mention get me an overdraft at the bank.) Now, I don't think I would ever be so decieving to others or to myself.
All meandering aside, it's been a good week... two Bs on two seperate midterms and making new connections and friendships... here's to an awesome Halloween.

XO

Physician, Heal Thyself!!

2008-10-22T18:04:00.000-07:00

Wow.
Just.... wow.
It has been a truly crazy month.
So those of you that know me know that I've been struggling with my health, trying to figure out exactly what is wrong with my kidneys/urology system.
Turns out I finally know what it is... I have an autoimmune disorder!
It seems that more and more people are getting them these days ;)
The amazing thing is, that due to the stress of moving + grad school, I got a really bad case and it explains just about everything that's happened to me, why I've been in hospital, and why I haven't been up to see all of you lovely Honolulu folk.
The amazing thing, all I had to do was change my diet. This past week I have been in no pain whatsoever. I cut out caffeine, citrus fruits, alchohol, tobacco, and anything acidic. I started taking supplements such as calcium citrate and magnesium. Within a week my symptoms have gone down to zero.
I think sometimes I just need to listen to my body. I'm a bit of a stubborn type, and like to think I can make this vessel do whatver I want, like some sort of robot. But sometimes it reminds me that its not invincible.
Strange getting older, isn't it??
In other news, school is going very well and I've passed two midterms. Musically NightMare Drum Song needs more shows... so add us please! www.myspace.com/nightmaredrumsong.
Last night I watched a John Cassavetes film called 'Woman under the Influence.' I think it is one of the most beautiful films I have ever seen. Afterwards I went to Bar 39 to see Eyes and Ears. The whole band came out and we danced. It was so good to be surrounded by friends and film and music... makes me realize that more socializing and less stressing will be wonderful for me... minus the booze of course ;)
Shoots.

I Left My Heart... Well, You Know.

2008-10-08T17:38:00.000-07:00

Week in San Francisco has come to a blissful end.
I was sick, like in the ER, but it was totally worth it.
I will not bore you with the details of this....instead let me regale you of howmy awesome filmmaker boyfriend Glenn showed the 'Pink Movie,' a short experimental film that turns heads, to say the least, at the 'Art Space' of 17th and Capp.
We went to the top of Buena Vista Park and I finally bought 'Hackers.' It's amazing how much you miss Ameoba when you haven't set foot in a record shop in six weeks!
I saw my parents and was spoiled muchly by their love and affection.
I smothered my boy with the same. I can't believe how lucky I am to have him.
And in other totally awesome news, my Master's thesis from Edinburgh was approved for Hawai'i so now I will get out of this program in four years instead of six!!!!
Not like I don't love Hawai'i Nei but.... sometimes I truly miss my home.

Hack The Planet,

Rach xx

"I ALSO Have a Bracelet..."

2008-09-27T21:27:00.000-07:00

Hoo boy.
Those debators with their stories.
Mccain really Reaganized it this year with his emo tales of yore.
Mostly I'm just upset at Obama. This man is a brilliant spokesman, someone who has inspired the first real hope in a generation of apathetic voters since we've been alive. The first person we've seen try to go against the good ole' boys with a real hope of coming out on top. Instead, he conceeded every single point to Mccain.
While Mccain demeaned him and called him 'naive,' he further allowed him every point on the issue of the economy, the real issue that the Obama camp has in the bag. Diplomacy is not the function of a presidential debate; it is to show the world that you have the ability, the will, and the strength to govern a nation.
The only truly great point that the usually on-fire Obama had was when mentioning how the rest of the world VIEWS us. For someone who has lived in Europe, I completely agree. The days of xenophobia and fear are over; or we will allow them to destroy us from within. We live in a global world. This is truly why I think Obama should win- he will attempt to change our selfish foreign policy as much as his administration can push for. For the rest of the world's sake, and for our own, I truly hope that this 1st debate doesn't change everyone's mind about that hope.

ALOHA NEW BLOG!!!

2008-09-25T16:14:00.000-07:00

So... yeah.

This is my new blog.

I got kind of tired of Livejournal... I mean you can't change your name. And the old happened to have to word 'slag' in the title ;)
Not that I'm trying to bemoan my old Bandslag heritage. I'd like to talk briefly about the etymology of my nicknames; this one came from the wonderful city of Edinburgh, from the nights that never ended and the lights that never went out. In slang terms the word means 'groupie,' and it was used to refer in particular to a person that my best friend Paul and I always saw at shows. Basically, we would have a legitimate radio interview, and this guy would just be seeing if he could get off with whomever we were interviewing. He was ubiquitous, from Glasgow to the Burgh, from Simple Kid to Sons and Daughters. One night we spoke about how we, as DJs, were no better than him, with our idol worship of various musicians without having bands of our own. So we called our show 'Too Many Bandslags,' (a joke on 'Too many DJS'), and went about our partying ways. The name, at the time, was funny and cute. I was 21 years old, and I had never really lived on my own before, having just come out of a two year relationship. I relished a new chance, a new time, and a place to reinvent myself. Ultimately, I think it was a fantastic experience, especially for someone who never knew she could have even a few friends, much less an entire group of awesome European indie comrades.
But the times have changed. At 25, I have moved on from this life as best I can. The fallout from those years was like ash upon my mind... but I've begun to dig my way out. As a first year at the University of Hawai'i, Manoa, I embark at last on my Phd adventure. Clinical psychology, an interst in forensics and persons with severe and persistent mental illness. Already I've begun working for an awesome program evaluation team up in Kaimuki (http://www.mhsret.org). Thus, we turn to a new name... Frontier Psychologist.
The reason I love this name so much is that encapsulates both my geek and my music loving side. The name refers to a track by the Avalanches, "Frontier Psychiatrist," a late 90s gem that samples about one billion old records. In addition, the name encapsulates my past, present, and future. I will become a clinical psychologist, so no med school for me, but in the past this song was a staple on my old radio show, even as far back as my undergrad at UC San Diego.
With a new name, let a new adventure begin. Hawai'i is a strange and wonderful place, and as Ian Curtis might put it were he not six feet under 'I've been looking for a guide to come and take me by the hand.' I've got an amazing partner in crime back home, a filmmaker by the name of Glenn Wait, but I'm seeking for other kindred souls to help me find my way through Hawai'i Nei. I've joined a noise band (www.myspace.com/nightmaredrumsong), seen bioluminesence, and danced in a lu'au all in the course of one month, so I don't think I'm doing too shabby!
In conclusion, I want to use this new blog to speak to my family, my new friends, and to the world at large, as I embark on my new adventure.
Join me on my path.
Mahalo.

xorach

ps. Science feature of the day: http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2008/09/080922090809.htm

xrach